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My Father the Swinger

Few things make me more squeamish than having conversations about anything to do with SEX with either of my parents. I don’t want to hear about their sex life. I do not care to share a general outline or any details of mine and MTM’s time between the sheets. Or wherever. I am a forty-two-year-old woman who believes the stork brought me, dumped my lard baby butt on the front porch, and picked a set of amazing parents for me.

Do nothing to disabuse this notion. Please.

Even though, my Father already has. He’s retired, and the only thing he cannot live without (besides his recliner and possibly my Mother) is the television. Seldom are his visits to my house because we do not posses an HD, or whatever they are dubbed these days.

Dad’s viewing tastes are, ahem, eclectic. Of course, he watches hours of sporting events and CNN, two things that were invented by drug companies to ensure endless streams of high blood pressure medication doled out to people above a certain age. I didn’t need to know that he also mixes some Jerry Springer and Dr. Phil in with his “Bill Gaither Gospel Hour.” I found out about his viewing habits by accident, though he blabbed it to me on purpose, just to see how violently I would react.

He does that to me.

Trapped in the house with him, with no escape route possible, I made the mistake of asking him a banal question about television, an open door to enlighten me on his recent viewing habits.

Swingers. Know what they are?”

Most children never, ever expect the word ‘swingers’ to come out of the mouth of a parent, unless they are referring to a trip to the park with the grandchildren or a pastime reserved for a piece of hanging furniture on the front porch. The look on my Father’s face spoke volumes about the conversational gutter in which I was about to be baptized, because it was clear he wasn’t talking about either of those things.

Swingers. You know them? Huh?”

“Dad. Um. No. I don’t know any swingers.” (Stupid. I. Am. Stupid. I thought saying I didn’t know any admitted swingers would veer him off course, save me from this hell of a talk topic.)

“Well, I was watching one of those talk shows the other day, and I KNOW what swingers do. They—–”

“I’m glad you do, Dad. What time does Mom get home from work?”

“——meet at a house, and they take all their clothes off till they’re all buck-nekkid, and they trade spouses and have sex. They get nekkid, and they have sex. LOTS of sex. You know, SEX. Huh?”

Dear God, please save me from this conversation…….

“HUH? Swinging SEX? HUH?”

“DAD! I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT SWINGERS! I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT SEX! I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT SWINGER SEX! CAN WE PLEASE TURN ON THE TV AND WATCH THE BILL GAITHER GOSPEL HOUR????”

And, when I lost all control, my Father just laughed.

He got me. Again.

Too Much is Too Much: Parents Talking About Sex

55 Comments Post a comment
  1. Now, that’s real entertainment!! Old Dad got you big time and he knew he would. I must admit that I would probably react the same way if I heard my Mother start a conversation about “swingers”, there are some things we just don’t need to discuss.

    Of course, my Mother is much more likely to go on about some churchy stuff and talk about 5th cousins that I have no idea about what they look like, how old they are or if I ever met them in my life.

    Maybe I have “swinging cousins”, now that would be a kick in the rear, huh?

    August 9, 2011
    • Ha! That would be something. I hope I get to meet your Mom so I can ask her about the swinging Mellos. In front of you, if possible. πŸ™‚

      August 9, 2011
      • Lou Mello #

        Probably not gonna happen…:)

        August 9, 2011
      • Oh, come on.

        August 9, 2011
      • Lou Mello #

        OK, I’ll have her add you to her email distribution list where she sends out the strangest non-verifiable emails on weird subjects. She will be delighted to entertain you. πŸ™‚ Now….what were you asking again?? Bwaaa, Haaaa, Haaaa.

        August 9, 2011
      • Please put me on it. I am slobbering over the prospective blog posts……….

        August 9, 2011
  2. The more I hear about your dad, the more I like this man. He seems to have a sense of humor much in line with my own. Way to go dad! Keep that uppity daughter on here toes…. πŸ˜‰

    August 9, 2011
    • Maybe now you know why we are such good friends………..:)

      August 9, 2011
      • I keep getting the image of that big swing in Moulin Rouge with you riding it.

        August 9, 2011
      • Because of the picture in the post? MTM made that swing for me. I should write a post about the swing, because – as most everything else related to me – it has a funny story.

        August 9, 2011
  3. Tom Smith #

    Ha, we’re on AFF if you change your mind!

    August 9, 2011
  4. He certainly seems to have a sense of humor that is right in line with Carnells!

    August 9, 2011
    • If we ever put those two in a room together, it will be something to see.

      August 9, 2011
      • We could have a blast together! Bet that man knows how to grill too.

        August 9, 2011
      • Dad has NO IDEA how to grill or otherwise cook anything. If something happened to Mom, he would eat crackers and peanut butter and ice cream. And, yes, I know that sounds vaguely familiar.

        August 9, 2011
      • So what’s wrong with crackers, peanut butter and ice cream?

        August 9, 2011
      • Um, nothing. I am sure he could live on them for a long, long time.

        August 9, 2011
      • Not even a frozen pizza? Or Spagetti-Os?

        August 11, 2011
  5. If I could stop laughing I might think up something intelligent to say…

    August 9, 2011
    • Glad it made you laugh. I have put the diehards through some deep thoughts lately.

      August 9, 2011
  6. Becky McGee #

    Girl, you make me laugh out loud literally. You and coffee are the best start to any day!

    August 9, 2011
    • Becky, I am sure you could imagine Dad the whole time. Great to hear from you, and glad you like reading.

      August 9, 2011
  7. Joanna Crowell #

    Hilarious!

    August 9, 2011
  8. πŸ˜€

    August 9, 2011
  9. I can see it coming into focus now….forget about Shark Week, it’s Roy Week on TACM!

    August 9, 2011
    • Nope. Changing direction tomorrow.

      August 9, 2011
      • Lou Mello #

        The architecture of sharks, perhaps?

        August 9, 2011
      • Ed Duryea says hello.

        August 9, 2011
      • Lou Mello #

        Ed’s my good buddy.

        August 9, 2011
      • He said the same thing about you, Lou, though I will be mortified if he comes over here and reads my blog. It was bad enough that I talked about how everyone in England thought Alison and I were lesbians – AS PART OF MY OFFICIAL PRESENTATION – and then proceeded to dig myself into a crater with my gaping hole.

        August 9, 2011
      • Lou Mello #

        You’re safe, I think Ed stays off of all Social Media. Lucky for you!!

        August 9, 2011
  10. Melissa Flynn #

    I seriously think you could gather all of your friends up in a room and just let us all sit and talk to your dad…and we’d be entertained for hours!! Granted, we’d all probably be deaf, but hey, I’m already part there b/c of my mom… this dialogue was swingin’ funny, A! πŸ˜‰

    August 9, 2011
    • No, you would be hoarse from shouting loudly enough for Dad to hear you. The collective shouting might cause deafness……….I would love to do that sometime.

      August 9, 2011
  11. Debbie #

    This post is hilarious!

    August 9, 2011
  12. I’m with you, kiddo! That said, I’m still chuckling!!

    August 9, 2011
  13. Jill Clary Stevenson #

    My parents love to watch Judge Judy. Unfortunately, she seems to be on 24/7 or at least that’s how it seems! About the only other thing they watch is sports – any sport – including my father’s favorite, NASCAR. The other unfortunate thing is they don’t hear as well as they used to so the TV is always on warp-loud volume. Makes it hard to carry on a conversation.

    August 9, 2011
    • Dad always has the television full-blast. Like your parents, he can’t hear, either. The sound reverbs in my chest and rattles my teeth. Really, it is torture. I feel your pain, Jill.

      August 9, 2011
  14. Hee hee.

    August 9, 2011
    • Hope you needed a laugh today, Amanda. πŸ™‚

      August 9, 2011
      • I think we should get your dad and Amanda’s mom together. Now that would be a combination!!

        You already know my dad. He is boring by comparison.

        August 9, 2011
      • But, your dad and my dad would have lots to talk about. They would probably like each other.

        August 9, 2011
  15. Well, well, swingers are all the rage today! Look what I found on the SC Tourism e-newsletter! http://www.diigo.com/item/image/1ll3o/sxkj Almost 80 and Still Swinging! (Links to this article–

    August 9, 2011
  16. Classic. And by classic I mean hilariously disturbing!

    August 10, 2011
    • These are the things we need to remember about our parents, Tori. Thanks for reading and subscribing to my blog. I look forward to getting to know you.

      August 10, 2011

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