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Uterus: Starts With U, Ends With Us

This post is part of a series. If the catchy title brought you here today, please follow the link to this post and read forward. And, stick around. There’s more to come.

The Secret Society of the Uterus: A Farce

The Cast of Characters:
I can’t WAIT to have something in my Uterus!
Look what I have in my Uterus RIGHT NOW!
You’ll never believe what just popped out of my Uterus!
You’re all rank amateurs. Let me tell you what’s walking and talking outside my Uterus!
Dear God, is it a sick, twisted joke that you even gave me a Uterus?

—–Curtain Rises——

Thanks for meeting me here today, everybody. I thought it might be fun to have lunch with you all because, well, I have an announcement. I……

OHMYGOD, my ovulation reminder just went off, and I’m ovulating RIGHT NOW, and I know you were just going to tell us about, um – something – but I ordered dude-in-my-life to meet me in the parking lot so we could have sex in the car AS SOON AS I GOT THIS REMINDER!

You know, if you try it upside-down, you have a better chance of conception. That’s what I did when I got the babe that just popped out of my Uterus. I think I spent so much time upside-down I staunched the blood flow to my head for, like, a couple of months. It makes my eye twitch. All the time. There. It’s doing it again. My eyeball. Do you see it?

Um, no. I don’t see anything………

What I can’t believe is that some geek can’t invent a gadget that can live stream the action that’s going on in my Uterus as we speak. I mean, look at this ultrasound shot. That profile. Doesn’t she look just like me? Right there? That nose? It’s mine, isn’t it?

Um, it all looks sort of, um, murky and….

She? Why would you find out what you’re having? I waited until the delivery room with all five of mine, and I’m so glad I did.

I’M STILL OVULATING OVER HERE!

Upside-down. It’s the only way I’m going to do it when I’m cleared to get busy. Hey, didn’t you just say something about having sex in a car in the parking lot? Which car?

Ow, the kid just kicked me in the bladder. Off to the bathroom. Again. The travails of those of us who have Something in our Uterus………

Thank God she’s gone. I mean, it’s only her first one. Wait ‘til the fifth. I can’t believe she is complaining about her need to pee. I’m not discounting your loss of blood to the head, Dear, but let ME tell you about my fourth pregnancy, the one where the kid almost ripped out my –

No, wait. I CANNOT hear about that right now. The trauma to my Uterus is all too recent. I almost died when they came in with that sharp –

I know exactly the thing you mean. When they put that on my –

Um, that sounds. Um, really bad. Um……great! Here’s our food! Let’s eat…..

I cannot believe how much water one body can make. Whew! So, really, why can’t some gadget guru build something that I can hook into my phone so that I can show everyone, everywhere, what’s going on in my Uterus? I bet I’d get thousands of hits a day on the internet. 

WAIT! Your live-streaming idea. I wonder if anyone would want to see the Actual Merging of Particles in my Uterus? I bet LOTS of people would like to see how THAT happens.

I’m sure they would. It’s called pornography.

THE CONCEPTION OF MY CHILD IS NOT PORNOGRAPHY!  YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THE UTERUS! I’M LEAVING. RIGHT NOW! BECAUSE OHMYGOD I’M OVULATING!  (Storms off.)

Good riddance to her. She’ll never have five children if she keeps up the Drama Queen routine.

Potty break! (Exits)

Hey. Isn’t that her ovulation calculator there on the table? She might need that later. I think I’ll take it out to her.

I bet she’s not doing it upside-down…let’s go make sure! (They exit)

Um, so, about my announcement….

—-Curtain—-

76 Comments Post a comment
  1. Well, this should be fun today…I’ll expect to hear your announcement via iThingy text since I don’t belong to the SSoU and will probably listen (texten?) to you.

    September 21, 2011
    • Lou, really. I don’t belong to the SSoU, either. Thank God.

      September 21, 2011
  2. Glad I am not a member of that club. And I am not sure that I want to visit the meeting – no matter how good the free buffet is!

    While you all have your meeting, maybe Lou and I will adjourn to more manly pursuits. Like hiding in the corner, cowering at the site of the SSoU.

    September 21, 2011
    • Amen, brother.

      September 21, 2011
    • Now, at least you’ll understand if you see me walk through the door from somewhere and chug gin straight from the bottle.

      September 21, 2011
  3. best. post. ever.

    September 21, 2011
    • I have been hiding under the bed all morning. It is great to know you think so, Eugene.

      September 21, 2011
  4. Would love to see this act on stage. But could you have frequent intermissions? Given the fact that I have to go pee right now. 🙂

    The shame of this scene is that the person with the announcement (who also has a uterus, I presume) doesn’t have a voice. Or rather, she has one but no one is listening. But I have a striking suspicion that’s gonna change…

    September 21, 2011
    • can I use “striking” instead of “sneaking” ? I really shouldn’t try to comment so early in the morning.

      September 21, 2011
      • Striking may be the exact right word as a foreshadowing of what’s to come.

        September 21, 2011
      • Lou, I would never strike anyone. Through the study of thought control, I have trained myself to sit through any situation without becoming violent.

        September 21, 2011
    • It is a shame, isn’t it?

      September 21, 2011
      • did you get my secret texts, encoded as agreed. ixnay nellcar nay.

        September 21, 2011
      • Hey! That isn’t nice! I knew no one loved me….

        September 21, 2011
      • Ruh, Roh, the Nell Carnay just found us out….OK, go to code U and use the P encryption.

        September 21, 2011
      • You want encrypted P? I got your encrypted P right here boy….

        September 21, 2011
      • Do you ever wonder if the Queen concerns herself with our taking over her blog whenever we please?? Long live the SSoS!!

        September 21, 2011
      • You boys always crack me up.

        September 22, 2011
  5. 🙂

    September 21, 2011
  6. Angela #

    I could totally picture that in my head as a play. Great work again.

    September 21, 2011
    • Thanks, Angela. I think this is the most fun I’ve had writing since I finished my book.

      September 21, 2011
  7. Lori O'Leary (aka TarakianWarrior) #

    Wow! THAT is what some women do. You hit it on the head. I am so dang annoyed by those women! Well, some of those women! As for the “hidden” meaning (if there is one)…I’m waiting without even attempting to decipher…

    September 21, 2011
    • Every woman lapses into this at some point in her life, Lori. I hope I’ve effectively demonstrated the difference between ‘normal’ and ‘scary.’

      September 21, 2011
  8. Linda Watkins (Mom) #

    Well, you all can go on about the Emperor’s clothes all day but I’m here to proclaim that the Emperor is naked and I’m hiding my eyes.

    September 21, 2011
    • You may be hiding your eyes, but I am peaking. And giggling all the while!

      September 21, 2011
  9. mtm #

    Lou and Carnell, what say we find a local sports bar to catch the game in HD?

    September 21, 2011
    • Can I come, too?

      September 21, 2011
      • Leigh Anne Wills #

        I want in on this party.

        September 21, 2011
      • You’re always welcome. Bring your kids if you want. I love them.

        September 21, 2011
    • Sounds good. Dare I say we go to Hooters?! 😉

      Seriously, I would even watch Lou’s version of football to escape that society.

      September 21, 2011
  10. Laura Evans #

    That made me laugh out loud. The uterus bunch is only slightly ahead of the potty training bunch in my book. You can always end those potty training discussions by announcing loudly that your dog ate “x” (insert something gross–a snake, a ball of raffia, a Whitman’s sampler, a raw brisket) and describing vividly what it looked like when it came out. The raffia story is especially effective as you describe how only a little comes out and you need to pull the rest out…

    September 21, 2011
    • Okay, that made me vomit a little in my mouth…

      hahahahaha

      September 21, 2011
    • Oh, Laura. One of my former friends had to be the charter member of the SSoU. When she had her first baby, I went over to visit, because she was my friend. I wasn’t in the door 5 minutes before I was forced to hold the kid, just so this Mom could tell me how to do it. Well, the kid had its first poop while I was holding it. (This happens to me a lot. Really. I could start a business and charge fees to provide the healing touch for stopped-up kids.) Right then and there, the kid was whisked from my arms, the diaper was stripped away, and EVERYONE IN THE ROOM had to admire the contents.

      I need to remember the raffia story. That is a GREAT one to file away for future reference.

      September 21, 2011
      • Laura Evans #

        Our friends have a new baby. Went to see them…wearing a white skirt. Kid immediately shat on my white skirt. Feel for you.

        September 21, 2011
      • I feel your pain, too.

        September 21, 2011
      • Jill Clary Stevenson #

        Oh God I hope it wasn’t mine! I was so old when I had Andrew I’m sure I was nauseating with my baby stories. Now that I’m old enough to be a grandmother (technically, I am), I just look at those young uteruses(?) and feel pity for them.

        September 21, 2011
      • Jill, this wasn’t yours. The two things I remember your saying about being pregnant (and I was around you for almost all of it) are the following: you wondered whether you could use a certain prescription face cream early in your pregnancy, and you were really weirded out by the ‘Advanced Maternal Age’ abbreviation next to everything that included your name. That’s what I remember.

        Without harping too much, it is good to remind all women that the SSoU is NOT all mothers, all people who are pregnant, or all people who are trying to get pregnant. I *think* most people get that, but the statement should probably be made.

        I never saw you this way. I was in awe of you for having Andrew. You were probably the woman in my life who told me, quietly, by your actions, that I did not have to rush to have a child. You probably saved me from making a horrible mistake, and I’ve always remembered that about your pregnancy more than anything.

        September 21, 2011
  11. Made me truly laugh out loud. And, it’s all too real…and I’ve been present at many of these discussions…and when the images were too fresh in my mind, may had started a few such discussions, but not that my uterus is resting from it’s labors (did you all laugh?) it’s all too much…

    Yes, this is either a tragedy, farce or a Saturday Night Live sketch.

    September 21, 2011
    • The things that make us react the most are the best of all three. Don’t you think?

      September 21, 2011
      • Well, me and my typos, should have read “Now that my uterus is resting from it’s labors…” Yes, the best laughter is always grounded in all these!

        September 21, 2011
      • It has been fun to go back and revisit the time in my life when I actually performed in farce on the stage. Farce has fallen out of favor in the theater, but it is so stinking fun to do. I always had bruises and scrapes and lost weight, and I’d never laughed so much in my life.

        September 21, 2011
      • I want to see a little Laurel & Hardy from this team….since no one gets the Three Stooges except the newly formed SSoS.

        September 21, 2011
  12. Jill Clary Stevenson #

    I’m speechless (that might be a first for me). I’m also extremely curious as to what the rest of the week’s posts will bring. BTW, did you announce your winner for guessing the number of posts you’ve written? If Carnell wins, will he celebrate with sushi?

    September 21, 2011
    • I need to come back and write a quick post about that, but I will probably do it next week. This stretch-of-my-writing week is taking a lot out of me. In a good way, of course.

      I will say that Carnell cannot win, because he knows how many posts I’ve written. 🙂

      September 21, 2011
  13. This is JUST TOO FUNNY (and, at the same time kind of sad).

    I think I’m of a mind to side with your Mom on this post, Andra . . . Maybe only because I was working and not hanging out with the gals; but, I think it more likely, given the times and my upbringing, that such topics would have been “off limits” for discussion with anyone other than my husband or my doctors . . . and certainly not lunchtime chatter, in ANY event!

    Now, Laura…… My dog, given the opportunity to sneak them, chooses to ingest paper products — TP, Kleenex, paper towels are prime — the vets think it’s funny; me, not so much! 🙂 🙂

    Very intrigued to see which turn this tale will take next.

    September 21, 2011
    • This story HAD to happen over a meal. HAD TO. Anyone who’s been there understands why.

      September 21, 2011
  14. Ahhh, nothing like a little uterine dialogue over coffee!

    September 21, 2011
    • I’ve tried coffee to make these go down easier in the past. Grain alcohol works better.

      September 21, 2011
  15. This is excellent.

    Roxanne

    September 21, 2011
    • I don’t know why I wanted to take six hours to write blog posts this week when I could do one in 30 minutes, but your short comment (like so many others) makes it all worth it.

      September 21, 2011
  16. This is GREAT! I’m still laughing out loud.

    I’ve actually seen one of these in the wild (moments before I ran off to find the keg and another conversation).

    September 21, 2011
    • Bill, I’m still laughing at your ‘in the wild’ reference…………

      September 21, 2011
  17. I’m with Eugene. I…love…this!

    I was wondering yesterday what was so different than before, but today has a raw and real feel to it that I cannot resist, even if it is technically ‘fictional’. Not that I ever thought you weren’t being real, just tapping a slightly different place…or maybe filtering it differently. Whatever the case, you go, girl….woman… 😀

    September 21, 2011
    • When stuff like this happens over two-plus decades of life, this is really the only way to do it as a written piece. At least, in my limited brain. You take the best bits and weave them together into one scene.

      September 21, 2011
      • Well dearie, for pure weirdness I will see you uterus and raise you one penis. I will tell you straight up that the shit doesn’t really hit the fan until you can fling if from both sites. And I don’t care what they say, you get attacked from all the sides possible and in every combination and then the go did up a few more freaks just to throw at you and numb your mind. Honestly though my mind is getting pretty numb at the moment anyway.

        Seriously digging your writing and how it is cutting some of the socialites, big wigs, and self-important public faces down to size. Don’t know if they will ever see it, or see themselves in it, but they should, They should see themselves and hide their heads. And not, hiding your head is not the same thing as sticking you head up your ass which is what they normal do.

        Bonjour Mes Amis

        September 21, 2011
  18. Leigh Anne Wills #

    I cannot wait to see what comes next…this is fabulous!!

    September 21, 2011
    • Your laughter at some of the material last night really propped me up, because it came from a mother. Thank you. xo

      September 21, 2011
  19. Leigh Anne Wills #

    After I had both of my kids, I was at lunch with a group of women who apparently are from the Columbia Chapter of the SSoU. They really didn’t know me well and one of their first questions was what was my ‘birth story’. I said ‘I had two kids; that’s my story’. They went on to ask very personal questions, which I did not answer and then to give me graphic details of their ‘stories’. I have to assume at least one of them knew how appalled I was.

    September 21, 2011
    • This is great. Thanks for putting it out here. I miss you and hope to see you VERY SOON. xo

      September 22, 2011
  20. What is funny to me is all the people going, “it is so true! I have see it!”

    Well, face it – you were the one doing it! Especially when you start any sentence with “I don’t want to tell you but…” If you have to shift things with “but” in the middle, just leave it out. Don’t do it!

    September 21, 2011
    • Writing this post has helped me see that I am not alone. It is cathartic.

      September 22, 2011
  21. OK, now that I have cleared up some internet time (bye bye Facebook) I’m hoping I can use some of that time to better keep up with your blog! I love reading your little stories so much so I’m glad I can hopefully keep up more now! And right in the middle of a story arc at that! (yes, I went back and read the others so I am now caught up on the whole arc situation!)

    September 21, 2011
    • If I could find you now on Facebook, I would say that I will miss you. But, since I can’t decipher anything over there, I can just see you everywhere else. 🙂

      September 22, 2011
      • heh, I deactivated FB so you won’t be able to find me at all on it. So now you jokers have to email me or G+ mention me when you do cool stuff so I find out about it!

        September 22, 2011
  22. I figure we’re just gypsies in the palace. Hey, if she leaves the door open, who’s fault is it that we walk on in?

    September 21, 2011
    • This blog has always had an open-door policy. It’s more fun that way. 🙂

      September 22, 2011
  23. Ah, oestrogen, oestrogen. So little responsible for so much You nailed The Sisterhood, Andra..

    September 22, 2011
    • Thanks Kate. It was fun to write, even though tackling some serious satire took me a while at the screen.

      September 22, 2011
  24. All of us start from Uterus and end in Earth(in the case of Hindus in Fire).
    Uterus being the beginning of Life ,is held in Highest Esteem in Hinduism.
    Great purifiers,according to Hinduism, are, Water,Air,Fire and Uterus.in that order, Uterus being the Life giver and the rest purifies every thing;if one wants to clean up one uses water,then Air and finally Fire,which shall consume every thing.
    Having written this comment, I feel that i am making this discussion heavy or perhaps my comment is not relevant?

    January 14, 2012
  25. LMAO! I know I am technically part of the uterus club, but I try to control my sharing for appropriate moments. 😛

    April 4, 2012
    • This is my favorite post I’ve ever written. Probably my favorite thing I’ve ever written……I can totally see the play. 🙂

      April 4, 2012

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