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Dear Match.com

Welcome to Match.com! Please complete your profile information below so that we can introduce you to the Man of Your Dreams!

*Sigh*

Name:
Andra Watkins

Code Name:
CPA Lady (I know. Not sexy. Possibly male repellent.)

Address:
525 Hidden Boulevard, Mount Pleasant, South Carolina 29464 (1)

Email:
andracpa@aol.com (2)

Picture:
Uh-uh. No way. This town is too small for a photo. I am mortified that I am on this Site of the Desperate to Date in the first place. I’ve already identified about fifty people I know from their photos, which means they will know me, which further underscores my state of mortification.

Reason You’re Here:
I just got dumped after an almost four year relationship that I thought would culminate in marriage, babies and unending bliss. (Don’t print that.) I’m 32 but keep getting asked out by college students. While that’s flattering, because they’re college students (did I mention I’m 32?), going out with one of them didn’t work so well for me. We didn’t have that much to talk about, and I wasn’t into the beer bong. My other attempts at dating age-appropriate men were failures (guy who dropped out of seminary because he liked sex with men, because, really, I’m NOT a secret man; guy who insisted that we had to stop at his place because he ‘forgot something,’ only to come out in his underwear and insist we stay there – EWWWWW; and guy who was Swiss-Italian – exotic, THE ACCENT – but, at nine years younger than me and only here a year, not in the market for anything serious. It was fun, though.) I guess you’re going to make me admit I’m seeking something serious. With a man. Who likes women.

Age:
I already told you I am 32 and single. Must you keep making me repeat it?

Weight:
Seriously? Not overweight. How’s that?

Height:
5′ 7″

Education:
What does this question mean, exactly?
I went to college. I graduated. I have letters behind my name. None of this seems to impress men.

Religion:
Good grief.
I am Baptist. I respect just about any viewpoint, because arguing over faith issues is a waste of time. Nobody can prove what they believe is correct, because it is a faith issue, so I prefer to be respectful of different points of view. Does anyone on Earth see things that way anymore? Maybe just one guy? Who’s single and likes women? Answering this question is making my head hurt.

Children:
I have to decide how I feel about that right now? Okay. Let me back up. Perhaps, you’re asking whether I have any. NO. If I’m supposed to reveal whether I am a suitable mother for a potential mate’s babies, how am I supposed to know? I’ll just say that I think, for me, parenthood is a decision that should come from a void, a yearning to know a person that only I can create with someone I love and respect. I don’t feel that yearning to know this non-existent person today, but maybe I will someday. It’s hard to think about all that when I can’t even find an age-appropriate guy who’s gainfully employed, not abusive or controlling or a jerk, who likes women. Can we move on?

Profession:
Well, this one ought to make men FLOCK to my profile. I’m a CPA who runs a law firm. I tell lawyers what to do, every day, all day long. Translated: I am a ball-buster. According to the attorneys. They only put up with me because they make more money when they do what I tell them to do. (Do we really have to include this part? Can I just say I have a job? No? *Sigh*)

Interests:
I like theater, reading, travel, shoes, playing piano, singing, acting, writing in my journal, hanging out with my friends and taking baths. And yes, I realize this will match me with gay men, so let me also say – emphatically – that I like to have sex with men who like to have sex with women. Just in case your algorithms get confused.

Match.com is tabulating your information………………..We can’t WAIT to reveal your perfect Match!…………………

And, here he is, your PERFECT LOVE CONNECTION……………………

SERIOUSLY? This is my perfect match? The guy who came out in his underwear on a date with me?

$%^&*#$%@#^&%$#@#%&%$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DELETE ACCOUNT.

(1) I no longer live at this address. Please do not put the people who now live there on junk mail lists and waste trees, paper and fossil fuel.
(2) Account no longer exists.

This post is part of a series. If the catchy title brought you here today,ย please follow the link to this postย and read forward. And, stick around. Thereโ€™s more to come.

40 Comments Post a comment
  1. Ha! I love the answers. Don’t you wish the forms would really let you put in answers like that? But then there would have to be a category for “Are you neurotic?”

    But just think, you could have wound up with Lou and me…

    September 23, 2011
    • Nothing beats the early years of SNL. LOVE this one.

      September 23, 2011
    • I was neurotic back then, in case that isn’t obvious. I really tried to capture my angst and the person I was.

      And I have laughed several times at this video. Thank you for a big laugh this morning.

      September 23, 2011
  2. Dear applicant:
    While we appreciate your detailed analysis of your current mating situation, we would like to clarify a few points and make suggestions.
    1) so you indicate your age as 32, please provide appropriate documentation as your applications hints that you may be a 90 year old crotchety lady.
    2) You seem to indicate a preference for men who like sex with women, if that is a drop dead must do for you, we may have a problem matching you up given the whole crotchety thing.
    3) Could you please re-think your statements concerning your CPA-ness and your propensity for destroying men’s privates. This may make you somewhat less than appealing to our clientele.

    Suggestions:
    1) provide photo of someone that will appeal to our sexy men genre.
    2) change age to 25.
    3) quit CPA work immediately and start looking for a more appropriate Hooters type position.
    4) please remove fetishes from your resume, such things as shoe shopping, art, theater, etc. may be a serious drawback.
    5) OH MY, Our computer just finished its analysis of your resume and we will have to review your account a bit more thoroughly….

    Please…don’t call us, we’ll be in touch….Really, we will.

    September 23, 2011
    • Brilliant, Andra
      And Lou, too.

      September 23, 2011
      • Lou Mello #

        Like, G+ ๐Ÿ™‚

        September 23, 2011
    • Best. Comment. Ever.

      September 23, 2011
      • Lou Mello #

        Aw, Shucks

        September 23, 2011
      • I’m trying to imagine Andra working at Hooters.

        September 23, 2011
    • I was pretty crotchety, wasn’t I? It was really hard not to see every man as the next person who would hurt me, and I’m sure that became a self-fulfilling prophecy. It all turned out well, because, in the months before I met MTM I stopped being this way and just decided to live my life on my terms.

      September 23, 2011
    • That is awesome Lou!

      September 24, 2011
  3. Many people have had horrid reactions to computer assisted matchmaking. I on the other hand have a different story. At the insistence of a male friend (not gay!) created a profile on Match. I had tried Yahoo Singles. When I finally answered all the questions, Match.com kept insisting that this guy in Summerville was my match. I finally “winked” at him to signal interest and heard nothing back…for 72 hours, when I finally got an e-mail (very nicely worded, may I add) from this guy wanting to know why if I’d winked at him, had I not responded to his e-mail of interest?

    Well, lesson learned? Not all e-mail reaches it’s intended destination. And after several weeks of e-mail, phone calls, we finally had– The. First. Date. To. End. All. Dates. That was 8 years ago this week. We fell wildly in love, where we remain. And married 6 months after meeting. He is my Match. My one.

    Andra, thankfully you captured MTM’s interest in a cafe and have him since Match wanted to pair you with Mr. Underwear.

    September 23, 2011
    • I should add that I was brutally honest when I wrote my profile (and later learned Cheryl equally as honest). While I did not get a lot of responses, I got the one that mattered.

      (I don’t seem to get any complaints when I run around in my underwear. ๐Ÿ™‚ )

      September 23, 2011
    • I love the story of how you met Bill. Match and other platforms like it really are an amazing tool for finding people we might never run across in real life.

      And, haha. I’m sure you didn’t show up for your date in your underwear.

      September 23, 2011
  4. Hilarious! I wonder how a Match.com profile of mine would read. “Woman with baggage seeks place to park her suitcases. Must love yarn.”

    September 23, 2011
    • I tried so hard in my real profile to sound like I didn’t have baggage, which is probably why I was matched up with a walking horror as my best match. I went back to my account and tried again with my profile and cast a broader net that way, but their primary matches were still wrong for me. If MTM had been on that site, I never, ever would’ve met him.

      September 23, 2011
  5. Good thing I gave up looking many years ago. I don’t think I could handle the stress and rejection…oh, wait, that’s why I gave up the search many years ago. ๐Ÿ™‚

    September 23, 2011
    • My favorite thing (and the only helpful thing, really) anyone said to me during this period of my life was, “There’s someone out there for you, and he’s just not ready for you.” It was the only comment that didn’t make my situation my fault/problem/flaw/etc. I never forgot it.

      September 23, 2011
  6. What a 180 from yesterday! This is brilliant!! Laughed out loud – then read Lou’s commentary and laughed some more.

    I’ve been a marginal observer at Match (i.e., seeing “matches” every day, but not a fully registered, paying customer) for months; waffling as to whether I REALLY want to go there after so many years without a significant other. Am positive my application would have to include words like “opinionated” “obstinate” (maybe even “crotchety”). ๐Ÿ™‚

    However, it is nice to read Cheryl’s affirmation that the process can work, should I decide to try.

    Glad you ultimately found your Mr. Right. Anxiously awaiting your next installment.

    September 23, 2011
    • Karen, you are such a delightful person. So funny and friendly and witty. You should do whatever makes you happy, but I could see you having some amazing and hilarious stories from going on a few ‘test outings.’ ๐Ÿ™‚ Please update us if you decide to do such a thing.

      September 23, 2011
      • Thanks. You are very sweet to say those things. I’ll keep your admonition in mind.

        September 24, 2011
  7. Curtain rises.

    Enter MTM.

    I can’t wait for THAT scene. Because you, my friend and former ball-busting CPA, deserve the best.

    September 23, 2011
  8. Score! Best laugh ever on one of your blog posts!

    September 23, 2011
    • Lou outdid me today in the writing department. That’s for sure. Such a funny answer.

      September 23, 2011
      • Lou Mello #

        You’re just too sweet, Ma’am….now where are my fries??

        September 23, 2011
      • Dr. Greene ate them.

        September 24, 2011
  9. Amber Deutsch #

    OK, finally catching up on this week’s posts, as I’ve been too sick to lift my sorry head and read. This one made me belly laugh. I have some friends going through this right now, and putting together their profile is one of the oddest exercises ever. Plus there’s a whole new vocabulary to learn. No one’s overweight, they’re “healthy” or “generously proportioned”. No one’s unemployed, they’re “consulting” or “surveying the professional marketplace”.

    I think this would be me:

    Anxiety-ridden, vertically-challenged, fertile, argumentative female in her mid-30s seeking flexible, gentle, competant male who enjoys cooking, cleaning and keeping me tied to reality. Must like dogs and Formula One racing. If you can recite sports statistics or have ever used the phrase “you’re being absurd”, we are not a match.

    I feel the matches pouring in.

    September 23, 2011
    • Hey, great, another Formula One fanatic! I’ve converted Cheryl and have her watching qualifying and the race, but she’s not quite to where she’ll watch Fri. practice or Formula One Debrief with me. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Cheryl just said I have to mention her crush on Mark Weber and his square jaw and tight butt (maybe it’s not the racing she’s into ๐Ÿ™‚ ).

      September 23, 2011
  10. Amber Deutsch #

    I knew I liked you, Bill. We should start a viewing club (though no one’s allowed to talk while the race is on).

    Bill, go away for a sec …

    Cheryl, I like Mark but his jaw scares me a little. I’m afraid if I bumped into him with my head, it would crack open like a canteloupe – my head, not his jaw. You should google David Coulthard — iron jaw + Scottish accent = mmmmmm.
    Nico Rosburg is also a nice package.

    OK Bill, you can rejoin …

    So, I am on the Vettel bandwagon, but I’ll always wear Ferrari red for Schumacher.

    September 23, 2011
    • Hey, Amber, Yes, I have let my eyes rest on the beauty of David Coulthard. No doubt that he would make me swoon with that square jaw and lovely eyes. (My Scottish heritage and all.) Then there are Fernando Alonso…not my favorite driver, but he is kind cute in the classic bad boy way! Yes, Vettel is an amazing child/man! I just can’t believe how he can do what he can do.

      Have you been to see the new documentary Senna?

      A viewing party would be great! We have a large flat panel TV that Bill installed when we returned to our condo 15 months ago…it makes watching the races lots of fun.

      Maybe we could combine a Dr. Who viewing party with an F1 viewing party?

      September 24, 2011
      • Amber Deutsch #

        It’s a date! We haven’t gotten on the Dr. Who train yet – not for lack of interest, just lack of time, so we’ll need a primer.

        September 24, 2011
    • Huge Vettel fan. Have been ever since he first started driving F1. Schumacher on the other hand, is a bit too arrogant for me to like him. I appreciate his abilities, but don’t care for his driving. He goes a too far, like the move he pulled last year when he almost ran Barrichello into the pit wall. He goes a heck of a lot further than Hamilton (who racks up a lot of penalties) ever does and gets away with it. I can’t believe he got away with it again at Monza. He clearly stepped over the line twice blocking Hamilton.

      September 24, 2011
      • Amber Deutsch #

        Bill, I seem to have a real double-standard with my drivers. I love Schumacher for his agressive driving, his precision, his standards, his technical abilities that allow him to work so closely with the crew (or at least did when he was with Ferrari). In light of that, I seem to overlook his arrogance and inappropriate maneuvers.
        Which is strange because I got furious with Alonso for the bs he pulled when he blocked the pit lane for Hamilton when they were with McLaren (and his general petulance and loss of ability when he gets thwarted). And I’m not a fan of Kobayashi for similar agression issues. So I’m not sure why I overlook it in Michael.
        I loved Vettel even before he starting winning too(what was that, about 7 races?). Nice to be able to support a good, reasonable, non-felon athlete!

        September 26, 2011
  11. Then and now, it’s all a journey `:-) Good to look back and see how far we’ve come.

    September 24, 2011
    • That’s what this week’s been about for me, Kate. Somewhat. ๐Ÿ™‚

      September 24, 2011
  12. earlybird #

    This made me laugh out loud. Seriously funny.

    September 27, 2011
    • Thanks so much for visiting, Earlybird. I was honored to be included in Kate’s list with you today and will now regularly drool over your doses of the Provencal.

      September 27, 2011
  13. Hey, if I was a guy who liked women, I’d want to date you. Of course, I’m not, and I’m married, but it has to count for something.

    April 4, 2012
    • I’m just glad MTM rescued me from all that nonsense. It sure was hell for me.

      April 4, 2012

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