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My Father The Fountainhead

Happy Birthday, Dad!!!

Twilight cast long shadows across my parent’s back yard in Florence, South Carolina, as we sat on the screened porch, sipped Perrier and watched the sprinkler arc. Forward and back. Forward and back. A watery path that dotted the surface of the bird feeder and my father’s Man Shed.

Linda, that sprinkler better not be wetting my building. I don’t need no termites out there. Go move it.

Now Roy, if you’re so worried about that sprinkler and some termites, you go move it.

You mean to tell me you’re gonna make me get up on the eve of my birthday and move that thing? Huh? You see how she treats me?

Don’t look at me, Dad. I’m not moving it.

Forward and back. Forward and back.

When we decided to leave, Dad disappeared. The light blinked on in his Man Shed and was extinguished.

DAD!! If you don’t come on, we’re going to leave without saying goodbye! DA-AAAAD!!!!!

He’s out there peeing behind that building, Andra.

WHAT???

I’m telling you, that’s what he’s doing.

WHY would he…….oh, dear God. There he is. His shirt is untucked and everything. WERE YOU PEEING BEHIND THE SHED, DAD???

HUH??? (Cackling laughter.)

I told you, Andra. Your daddy does that all the time.

Is this true, Dad? IS IT?

Well, I have to do something about those termites. I don’t want ’em gettin’ in my shed.

I tell you, Andra. I can’t even stand to cut the grass back there. It stinks so bad. I make him do that part.

(Honestly, HOW did I spawn from these two people???)

Yep. I hafta pee all along the bottom of the wall. It kills them termites. It’s your mother’s fault for wetting my building with the sprinkler.

Ew, Dad. STOP. Don’t hug me. DON’T DO IT. Mom, can I take a shower before I go?

38 Comments Post a comment
  1. Now, see, your Pops has got it right…it is best to forgo the search for a perfect bathroom & just commune with mother nature. A fun post, Andra, thanks for the after midnight smile. ~

    August 5, 2012
    • It was pretty funny when he did it, Angela. Glad it gave you a laugh, too.

      August 5, 2012
  2. Parents, eh?

    August 5, 2012
  3. This is too, too funny. And why wouldn’t you hug him? You would have hugged him if he had peed in the house. What’s the difference? MTM should have gone out there and helped him pee on those termites.

    Glad to know all is well, or at least normal, on the home front.

    By the way, Nancy was watching True Blood (the HBO vampire series) and one of the main characters called someone a peckerwood. Thought of you immediately.

    August 5, 2012
  4. Obviously, the solution is:

    August 5, 2012
  5. Now there’s a remedy for termites I have never heard before 😀

    August 5, 2012
  6. Hmmmm? Termites? I’m thinking this may be a solution for our deer problem.

    August 5, 2012
    • I’m sure Dad would be happy to fly up there and make several attempts……..

      August 5, 2012
  7. So, my telling Felix to go pee behind the shed is wrong? Uh oh… Although… if it means he might grow up to be such a character?

    Hee.

    August 5, 2012
    • What’s even funnier is that Dad had a mischievous little boy look on his face, much like Felix probably does.

      August 5, 2012
  8. When you gotta go, you gotta go…. See, there is an advantage to being a male of the species. Did not realize that would kill termites though. Ha!!

    August 5, 2012
  9. I had no idea that this worked for termites. Deer I’ve heard that it deters, but termites? Never heard that ever!

    August 5, 2012
    • Dad made it up as an excuse to go in the yard whenever he wants………

      August 5, 2012
    • mtm #

      It works on termites, raccoons and saber-toothed tigers, as long as you eat a plate of asparagus first….

      August 5, 2012
  10. That was hilarious! Hmm, your dad pees on the shed and his daughter does a week long series about different places she peed. hehehe

    The apple doesn’t fall … 🙂

    August 5, 2012
  11. Your Dad, the Termitenator. Terminex needs to call. He could always try Cook’s lawn care if they work in SC. They are always willing to keep our outbuildings termite free. Without urine.

    August 5, 2012
  12. Have you considered submitting the script for a sitcom? This is hysterical! If anyone else did such a thing I don’t think I’d find it so funny, but that smiling man in the picture can do such a thing and I laugh! On the other hand, I might agree with you, Andra. Are you sure these are your parents? LOL! I hope he had a very happy birthday…somehow I think he did! Debra

    August 5, 2012
    • One can’t help but laugh where Dad is concerned, Debra. He is hilarious.

      August 5, 2012
  13. Wow! Wish I’d have known that excuse when my two boys were in day care and after school care – both of them got kicked out for peeing in the backyard on the fence. *sigh* And so it began….on a side note…my daughter has never done anything like that, although I can profess to write my own name in the snow – pure talent (and I’m sure TMI). Love your Dad!!!!

    August 6, 2012
    • Writing your name in the snow, Lori? Wow, I am in awe. 🙂

      August 6, 2012
  14. Aah! There are some things about your parents you’re better off not knowing. Like the fact that my father’s “outdoor shower” is right outside the media room window.

    August 6, 2012
    • I’d want to know that if I ever visited, so I could avoid that whole area of the house.

      August 6, 2012
  15. Oh, goodness….When I saw the word “Fountainhead” in the title, I expected some Objectivist Randian allusion- instead, I found a much funnier, if not more literal, post. haha! Go, Dad! Get them termites!

    August 6, 2012
    • It always pays to check things out around here. 🙂 MTM had me read The Fountainhead early in our relationship. I skipped much of the last chunk.

      August 6, 2012
  16. Next time, leave while the getting is good . . . 😆

    August 6, 2012

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