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I’m Naked and Not Famous

fall color along the appalachian trail

So.

Imagine you’re in the mountains of North Georgia. It’s a rugged place at the tail end of Fall, but you can still see leaves float through the air.

You lock yourself in the house with your computer, because, you know, North Georgia spawned the people of Deliverance, and you peck away at your own inner evil. More than a hundred times, you make a circuit of the house to check the locks.

On one of these treks of insanity, you see it. Out there. On the back deck. It fixes you in its tractor-beam like grip and compels you to come outside.

Your mind is too fried to resist, even the part where you are forced to shed your clothes as you approach. You sink into its gaping maw. And you look off in the distance. And you find peace.

Even as its saliva burbles around you. Threatens to drag you under.

Finally.

The Thing is satisfied. It stops its churning and whirring, and it orders you to go away.

You stand up and relish the cold mountain air on your skin, unable to believe how clear your head is. You turn around and prepare to face your nasty character with renewed vigor, withβ€”

“Oh. How ya doing?”

Water drips between your legs as you eye the crusty intruder.Β Ohmygod, how long has he been here? Has he been……..did he see……..OHMYGOD, he saw everything!!!!!

You smile like getting caught naked in a hot tub happens to you all the time.

Because, really, what else can you DO?

“I know I don’t have an appointment, but I was hoping to show the house.” He chuckles. “Me and my client didn’t count on the full show.”

You hear him cackle all the way back to his truck as you try to forget. His lusty face. Where his eyes wandered. What he must’ve told his male client.

********

Dear Lance:

Thanks to you and Tim for letting me use your mountain house to write. It was busy. A realtor caught me naked in the hot tub today.

Love, Andra

Dear Andra,

They want to see it again tomorrow.

Really.

Love, Lance

76 Comments Post a comment
  1. LOL what is the address again?

    November 16, 2013
  2. I’m trying to sell my Jeep at the moment…would you come and sit naked in it as it’s not selling at the moment:)

    November 16, 2013
    • Do I get a free trip to France? Because I might actually consider that. Ha.

      November 16, 2013
  3. Brash boor! I prefer the sort of manners that (a) make one go away and pretend not to have been there, or if it is too late for that (b) avert eyes and stammer apologies.
    Anyway, the hot tub with views sounds great.

    November 16, 2013
  4. Andra, that is just too funny (speaking as an agent who has seen this sort of thing before). And by the way, your Penelope series was just terrific writing this week which ran while you were showing off your wares in the mountains.

    November 16, 2013
  5. So I hear you put on quite the show.

    November 16, 2013
  6. The Accidental Cootchie Mama strikes again!! πŸ˜‰

    November 16, 2013
  7. Too funny!

    November 16, 2013
  8. Jill Clary Stevenson #

    Hilarious!!! Glad you had a productive week and welcome back!

    November 16, 2013
    • Thanks, Jill. Glad to read that your numbers are headed in the right direction.

      November 16, 2013
  9. I’m sorry but BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! πŸ˜€

    November 16, 2013
  10. If the name fits…

    November 16, 2013
  11. Hot Tub Protip #1: ALWAYS face the door you came in when venturing into the tub alone. Unless you have enemies carrying toasters and extension cords who can sneak up on you from behind, solo hot tubbing should always be experienced as if Norman Bates may walk in at any second. Or that raccoon you missed in the corner.

    Then again, I tend to lock the bathroom door here even when I’m alone because, you know… I like to have an obstacle in my way when the doorbell rings and it’s UPS or Fed Ex delivering a package while I’m indisposed…

    November 16, 2013
    • That was my mistake. If I faced the entry, the sun was in my eyes.

      November 16, 2013
      • Hey! tan eyes are IN this season, I hear. Some Blu-Blockers with your Mr. Bubble may allay future frights I predict…

        November 16, 2013
  12. Oh, Andra! I hope you informed that realtor how much you can benchpress (and made up a number) and then cracked your knuckles all while pointing to him and to your knuckles and cheerfully stating, “Have a nice day.” Okay, I admit that’s what I imagined you would do. That or sing, “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly” like Destiny’s Child. Either way ugh on that encounter.

    The closest I came to exposing myself to a stranger was when I ran to the door to accept a UPS package. I’d forgotten that I had a hole in a strategic place on my sweatpants until I’d signed for the package. The UPS guy, however, did not appreciate the view.

    November 16, 2013
    • I just tried to get rid of them as fast as possible.

      And, the UPS man had no taste.

      November 16, 2013
  13. Jen #

    Our naked bodies are not seen enough, is what I think. πŸ˜‰

    November 16, 2013
    • Ha. I am not a prude, but I am really not an exhibitionist. I fear this blog creates that impression.

      November 16, 2013
  14. Perfectly told. A refreshing start to the morning.

    November 16, 2013
  15. Debbie #

    This is too funny! Made my morning!

    November 16, 2013
  16. Just catching up this morning, Andra, once again enthralled with your Penelope series, and, now smiling at your house selling skills.

    November 16, 2013
  17. I forgot that this post needs some appropriate music:

    November 16, 2013
  18. Lance #

    all I saw/read was Love, Lance

    You’re welcome….hope you enjoyed.

    *waving*

    November 16, 2013
    • Lance lives in Atlanta, too.

      November 16, 2013
      • Lance #

        I remember…that;s awesome

        November 16, 2013
  19. When we next talk, remind me to tell you of an occurance in my life which is a slightly more blue version of this very story. I shall not post it here.

    November 16, 2013
  20. If someone had caught me in the same, um, position, he would have run, screaming, back down the mountain.

    November 16, 2013
  21. tarakianwarrior #

    OMG! Hilarious! And yet…not so at the time I’m sure. Guess you cannot actually die of embarrassment and that’s definitely a good thing. Sorry Andra. But, the fact that they wanted to come back the next day should assure you that you are so fine! πŸ˜€

    November 16, 2013
  22. i love this and i think i saw a video of you on youtube )

    November 16, 2013
  23. If you weren’t famous before you will be now! Hilarious!

    November 16, 2013
  24. Hilarious, darling.

    November 16, 2013
  25. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. And they’re like, it’s better than yours. πŸ˜‰

    November 16, 2013
  26. November 16, 2013
  27. napperscompanion #

    Happened to me once when I was in college–caught naked. Thank God it wasn’t today. The poor soul who saw me would need some therapy. Peace, John

    November 16, 2013
  28. Hokay, one more, as I was drifting off to sleep (hey, I woke up before 7am and it was a looong day), had a Sally Rand image flash through my head and here you go:

    November 16, 2013
  29. Some people…

    That reminds me of the time I was using a single-person bathroom in a Dairy Queen in Marshall, IL. Their door locks were worn to the point where it felt like the door was just stuck and not actually locked. Whilst in the process of using the facilities a man from Colorado (I saw his car), decided to violently test this theory and bust down the lavatory door on me. With an unusually deft kick, I slammed the door back shut without stopping. I have ninja skills! (no I don’t) Whether he got a show or not, I’ll never know, but it was so embarrassing I couldn’t stop laughing until I reached Indiana.

    November 16, 2013
  30. If the house sells Lance and Tim owe you big time!

    November 16, 2013
  31. I once gave four juvenile raccoons an eyeful, unintentionally. I didn’t know they were sitting on my side porch when I flung open the door to see what all the noise was about. It was night. I had been in bed. I was naked. We were all startled to say the least. I give you kudos for telling your story. If I had (unintentionally) exposed myself to four guys, and not four raccoons, I don’t think I would have the courage to tell anyone …well, especially since in my case, they would have gone running the other way, much as the raccoons did πŸ™‚

    November 16, 2013
    • It isn’t courage. It is stupidity.

      Raccoons are afraid of people. It wasn’t you. πŸ™‚

      November 17, 2013
      • Yes, I gave them a good scare πŸ˜‰ Well, after I yelled at them to leave πŸ™‚

        November 17, 2013
  32. hahaha…omg.!! I think I would have died of sheer embarrassment. You are a better women than I Andra πŸ˜‰

    November 17, 2013
  33. Hilarious! You should get a cut of the commission if that guy buys!

    November 18, 2013
  34. Every time we let our guard down…

    November 18, 2013
  35. And so the point of going to the mountains to write is to generate new material? If so, good work. πŸ™‚ Funny stuff.

    November 18, 2013
  36. I’ve been warning of the dangers of multi-tasking, Andra. I think you got your assignments all mixed up!

    November 20, 2013
  37. O.O

    Hey well now…that’s the Yoga doing good…no? hehehe

    November 23, 2013

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