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A Strange Guy Knows My Cycle

MTM and I were out at a bar before Christmas. Our friend John, former owner of our former favorite coffee spot, was in town from his new home in Brooklyn.

He crossed the room and beamed at me.

“How’s your cycle?”

!!??!!

Not hello. Not it’s been a while. He asked about my CYCLE!

More than two years, and the most important thing to him is my CYCLE.

All because of the freaking blog post that went something like this:

How’s a girl supposed to take this one? She walks into her favorite coffee shop (Hope and Union.) She steps up to the bar to place her order. The scruffy dude behind the bar smiles and says, “You’re having a mocha.” (I always get mochas on the weekends, thinking they don’t adhere to my rear end on weekends. I’m a dumb-dumb, I know.)

Figuring it is best to just go along with this order, as the extra calories will be his fault and not hers, she blurts out, “Sure. I’ll have the mocha.” She has not lacked willpower. Scruffy Coffee Dude will be her caloric scapegoat for Saturday. Hooray!

Swiping my debit card, he smiles and says, “I know your cycle.”

Huh? My cycle?

CYCLE?

I’m going to assume that ‘I know your cycle’ is a form of college kid speak, and that it doesn’t mean to him what it means to me. It would be very creepy for a strange guy to know my cycle. It is bad enough that MTM knows my cycle, and he’s been in my life for over a decade now.

I stand there, turning beet red from my hairline to my fingertips. He makes my mocha, oblivious, while I wonder whether or not I am extra puffy this month from water weight gain. Is my under eye area bulging more than normal? Are my rings turning my fingers purple? Was I extra grumpy when I placed my order?

Sometimes, I wish I could just be a guy.

42 Comments Post a comment
  1. That’s funny…guys use cycles to lose that puffy water weight gain. Maybe you should try a new cycle…certainly cheaper than the sex change:)

    January 4, 2014
    • MTM just got back from a long cycle ride, and he’s looking a little less puffy. Ha.

      January 4, 2014
  2. Hehehe! Sometimes some words and the way they are used should be left untouched 😉

    January 4, 2014
    • I agree, Shree. I don’t think I was being ridiculous at all.

      January 4, 2014
  3. so funny, and proves that perspective changes everything )

    January 4, 2014
    • I embarrassed that poor boy so much when this post first ran. He was a little scared of me after that.

      January 4, 2014
  4. omtatjuan #

    I once walked into a Mexican Bakery and even though I look Hispanic I don’t speak Spanish well. I picked out the cookies and went up to the counter and smiled. The woman behind the cash register greeted me in Spanish. I tried to reply and I asked her in Spanish, “Tienes una cajita pequena?” Do you have a small box? You would have thought I insulted her mother. The owner came over and told her all I wanted was a small box… Never went there again.

    January 4, 2014
  5. Ahh, the embarrassments of the eternal double entendre… I have been a lifelong practitioner, but NOT deliberately so. 🙂

    Even though they’re fun and bring a laugh, I still cringe and wonder who was asleep at the editing desk when I run across accidental examples in publications, such as those listed here: http://www.i18nguy.com/humor/headlines.html

    January 4, 2014
    • I saw a headline just the morning: “Diana Alive Before She Was Dead.” 🙂

      Some of the ones in that list are just priceless.

      January 4, 2014
  6. Next time, tell him that you’ll settle for delicates, 30°C. That should keep him wondering for a while.

    January 4, 2014
    • He avoided me after that. I think he was hurt I called him scruffy.

      January 4, 2014
  7. LOL.

    January 4, 2014
  8. But wait a second. Why are you calling John a strange guy? You know him! He’s a friend. He isn’t strange, he is just observant.

    I thought women were supposed to like that.

    January 4, 2014
    • John was one of the owners of Hope and Union. Scruffy Coffee Dude worked there. John read the post after it went up, and he laughed and laughed. So, that’s what he remembers about me, more than two years later.

      January 4, 2014
  9. Oh that made me laugh out loud!!!! (Um, I had a mocha too, ’cause well I know my cycle.)

    January 4, 2014
    • I avoided my usual mocha this morning and settled for a non-fat latte. That’s my usual weekday drink. Too many cookies over the holidays. 🙂

      January 4, 2014
  10. Humans are very circadian in nature. It’s quite easy to assume they run in patterns of 7 days, too. At first, when you spoke about a cycle, I thought you were talking about a bicycle. I read the entire post thinking you were going to talk about a new bike.

    January 4, 2014
  11. All this talk makes me uncomfortable in my manly places.

    January 4, 2014
    • My yoga instructor this morning kept saying, “Embrace what makes you uncomfortable, because that’s where you grow.” I don’t think she was talking about this, though. 🙂

      January 4, 2014
  12. Ah, intimacy. The perception of it is not always accurate and can lead to discomfiture. That being what it is, it can also lead to humor.

    January 4, 2014
  13. I find some people love a good double entendre, others, not so much. I’m a fan, but I try to avoid it around people that aren’t so comfortable with it. Unfortunately, I usually don’t find out until after I’ve offended them… 🙂

    January 4, 2014
  14. I was so hoping when I saw the title that you were talking about biking again. I love being a “regular” in a place like that coffee shop but I so hate being predictable. What if it’s my mocha day but I really wanted to try that new drink? And even if I know you know, did you have to announce it?

    January 4, 2014
  15. OMG that’s so awesome. I’m back from travelling and generally more human. Next (erm this) year, I resolve to just cancel my life for December, as I won’t have one. All things delayed shall be renewed!! And all that jazz. And I was SO SURE this was going to be a bicycle post.

    January 4, 2014
  16. Well, I guess it’s a good thing there’s no combo coffee bar/gynecology service hybrid as far as I know or else you’d be doubly weirded out. AND you’d have people asking where the heck that place was located so they could make an appointment. Still, i did imagine you had a past life you weren’t telling people about in regards to that “cycle”. To wit:

    January 4, 2014
  17. LOL! I though it was bad when the attendant at a local gas station asked me where I had been when I took a two week absence from flavored coffee and nut-covered persians. It was like I committed a sin…or screwed up the cycle.

    January 4, 2014
  18. Maybe he really means your bi-cycle! You do have a rather distinctive one… 🙂

    January 4, 2014
  19. Ha,ha, Andra! That is funny. I would have died right there. I’ll have to ask my college son if cycle is code for anything or has another meaning like “sick” being really cool. I’ll let you know what I find out.

    January 4, 2014
  20. Very humorous, I don’t mean the boney kind, but, the funny kind.

    January 4, 2014
  21. How funny, Andra.

    Sorry to have been away since Christmas. We had guests from the US and then did some traveling around our new country. Didn’t always have internet. I’m trying now to get back into the swing of things.

    Hope you had a great holiday. Happy New Year.

    By the way, we seem to be having more luck on the mail front. Just got two pieces in our po box yesterday. Hope you got the address I sent.

    Hugs from Ecuador,
    Kathy

    January 4, 2014
  22. Oh man! As a barista I have to say I’ve pulled my fair share of boners in the past but I DO wonder what he meant. No doubt that you only had mochas on the weekend and something else every other day. I don’t remember drinks, not all of them, and finally, yesterday, this one guy? He always acted as if it were the worst thing in the world, I was wrecking his day that he had to say double tall latte, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. He has the most generic drink in the world. Super hard to remember it. I make about 1,000,000 a day. So I said “Why don’t you change to someone more memorable?” I said ‘Someone’. Not ‘something’ then we just stood there looking at each other, me and grumpy guy. He finally said ‘Can you put 3 raw sugars in for me?’ I’ll never forget it now. Also he smiled at me today. I think he did anyway. It’s hard to tell.

    January 4, 2014
  23. Its fun to see how things roll around.

    “Sometimes, I wish I could just be a guy.”
    Do MTM clothes fit you?

    January 4, 2014
  24. tarakianwarrior #

    I love this shirt!

    January 4, 2014
  25. The best take-away from this story is that wherever you go you leave meaningful impressions, Andra. Perhaps embarrassing, but I think it’s better to be remembered. 🙂

    January 4, 2014
  26. Eha #

    Methinks he would be the one beetroot red if he realized what the possible double entendre was! The guy sounds perfectly innocent, just saying the first thing that came to mind 🙂 !

    January 4, 2014
  27. angela #

    too funny – something tells me this fellow was a single chap for he would know better than to use the word cycle in any way-shape-or form with a woman if he had a lady…just sayin’ ~

    January 4, 2014
  28. Man I miss John! I hope he is doing well, he was such a cool dude! He insisted on calling me mayor forever after I gave up my foursquare mayorship at H&U. I held it down for like a solid 2 months or so if I remember correctly!

    January 5, 2014
  29. Andra, some of us just have fun wherever we go. I loved your hilarious story. The poor boy meant pattern, habit, or preferences, but unfortunately did not say any of those. I too would have felt rather exposed, but in my case I could have reminded him of my post menopausal status which means no more cycles!

    Once at a family style dinner my friend served a cuban dish called picadillo. The teenagers were served first. i walked past her son whose mouth was full of the dish and asked in all innocence, “How’s your picadillo?” He practically spit out a big mouthful, so he clearly took it some other way!

    January 5, 2014
  30. I am so glad I no longer have a cycle 😉

    January 6, 2014

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