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I See Your Underwear

“Surprise!!!!”

Mom walked up behind me, and in the second before I turned around, I had a flashback.

I was in elementary school. The inside of Coker’s Department Store was a cave. Fluorescent lights spotlit stuff. Clothes and shoes. Sheets and blankets. China and fancy table linens.

And lingerie. Racks and racks of lace and silk, elastic and cotton.

I spent several days of my life in the lingerie department at Coker’s when I was a child………waiting, while Mom carried piles and piles of unmentionables into the dressing room. It is a fundamental Rule of Being a Southern Lady that undergarments must match at all times. If one is in a car accident, and the paramedics must cut through clothing, it would be mortifying for them to see mismatched drawers and bra.

Anyway.

I turned around, where Mom waited. In the kitchen. In front of a window that faces the street. In matching black camisole and panties…….and the most ridiculous shoes.

“I wanted to show you these shoes, Andra.”

“Really? Because it looks like you wanted to show the whole neighborhood your underwear.”

She stood firm. Held her pose. I think she even turned ever so slightly toward the freezing glass. “So…..do you like them?”

Sigh.

So, now I have a new pair of silly shoes. At least she didn’t try to give me her panties, too.

80 Comments Post a comment
  1. Michele Fister #

    LoL…. Your mom is Beautiful !

    January 8, 2014
  2. I spent hours as a kid in women!s changing rooms as sisters tried on outfits. The shoes are erm ….interesting

    January 8, 2014
    • Did they have to try on the same thing five separate times like my mom did?

      January 8, 2014
      • Yes! And when you think this was in the 70’s there was an awful lot of fabric swirling around – the flares on the jeans could take your eye out!

        January 8, 2014
  3. Oh, this could go SO all kinds of places and yours truly has got a ticket book that’s FULL of places. Family Show, Family Show (In-deed, hah!). Inhale, exhale… wooooo….

    Somewhere, in my head there’s a smoke-filled Burly-Q and it’s always 1958 or ’59 in there. Everything was FINE until you get the nice lady writer in there and her mom who tags along and decides it’s a wee bit too warm and hey, the girls are havin’ fun up there on stage, so why can’t she?

    Cue some jazzy tune and next thing you know, my brain is in jail for working too properly.

    I shall now wash my eyes out with soap in penance. Good Day!

    Wait, there are cute penguin shoes. Well, one eye, then…

    January 8, 2014
  4. I want to be as confident as your mom! Though maybe I might want to stand behind a curtained window 😉

    January 8, 2014
  5. what is strange way to show you the shoes that she wants to give you. seems like she would just put them on a box and say look at the shoes.

    January 8, 2014
  6. if there are pictures I can’t see them on my mobile device so I have to wait till I get to the desktop to look at them.

    January 8, 2014
  7. well, it could have been worse, i guess this is a happy ending )

    January 8, 2014
    • It got worse when Dad tromped through the house in his underwear last night……

      January 8, 2014
      • oh, i’m so sorry. apparently they’ve moved to an ‘uninhibited stage’ of their lives.

        January 8, 2014
      • I leave today, and they can go back to whatever it is they do when I’m not here……..

        January 8, 2014
      • Ha! Happy ending…

        January 8, 2014
      • Hmmmm… welllllll… it could have been much worse:

        January 8, 2014
  8. Mom is not going to be outdone by Dad. Yay Mom!

    January 8, 2014
    • They do seem to be competing for blog space, don’t they?

      January 8, 2014
  9. I bet she was hoping the bug man would come by. You know she was wearing that outfit for him. 😉

    January 8, 2014
    • James Moffitt #

      I bet it was the milk man and not the bug man. Oh wait, maybe it was the mail man?

      January 8, 2014
      • You need to get Andra to tell you the stories about the bug man.

        January 8, 2014
      • Stopitstopitstopit.

        January 8, 2014
    • Stop.

      January 8, 2014
      • angela #

        heehee…but, the bug man was my first thought tooooo – your stories stick, Andra – that’s a good thing!

        January 8, 2014
  10. LOVE the shoes. Do they have to match the underwear too?

    January 8, 2014
  11. It would be nice to have some snow penguin underwear, or whatever they are?

    January 8, 2014
  12. So, let me get this straight. The UNDIES have to match the shoes? Dear God, I have been screwing this up all of my life. SOB. LOL

    January 8, 2014
  13. Ahhhh, to go with your whale mittens, no doubt! 🙂

    January 8, 2014
    • The penguin’s mouth should be eating my leg to match those…..

      January 8, 2014
  14. I also spent hours in the lingerie department with my mom. Um, those shoes are . . . unique! Are those penguins? Did the socks come with them?

    January 8, 2014
  15. Ha-ha! I never knew that southern ladies always wear matching underthings, I would be an embarrassment to the south. I have heard of always wearing clean underwear incase of a car accident (but if I were to get in a car accident, I’m sure my underwear would no longer be clean!).

    January 8, 2014
  16. When I was a kid, the lingerie pages in the Sears catalog were my escape into aroused wonderment.

    January 8, 2014
  17. Lance #

    I’m envious of how fun and interesting your parents are. I wish I could report the same.

    more please

    January 8, 2014
    • It’s all in how we find the nuggets of interesting. 🙂 Your parents have them, too.

      You’ll likely be sick of my parents by April. Mom has to go with us on the Natchez Trace for around two weeks for me to have a wingman at all times. Oh, the stories.

      January 8, 2014
  18. I believe that Bill Cosby had a few things to say about clean u derwear in case of an accident. If I remember correctly it happened on his Bill Cosby Himself tour. The first thing was to always keep clean under wear in your glove compartment in case of accident. The reason you keep it in your glove compartment is because in an accident first you say it, then you do it. When the rescue crew comes to save you and they cut through to see your dirties, they will ask about your clean underwear. Just point to the glovebox because you were prepared.

    January 8, 2014
    • I’m going to have to look that Cosby up, Jon. He is so funny.

      January 9, 2014
  19. tarakianwarrior #

    😀 Peek-a-boo!

    January 8, 2014
  20. Where are your matching drawers and bra?? Maybe now that I am 50, it’s high time I get myselft matching sets. 🙂

    January 8, 2014
    • I, um, don’t wear drawers………….a by-product of this upbringing, I’m afraid. 🙂

      January 8, 2014
      • OH! I won’t tell anyone this secret! It’s between you and me. How do you wear jeans? Just wondering…

        January 8, 2014
    • Very carefully.

      January 9, 2014
  21. I just know my daughter will be sharing stories like this about me in the not-so-distant future.

    January 8, 2014
  22. Your parents are such characters! At least you’ll never run out of story material, darling!

    January 8, 2014
  23. Lovely writing.

    January 8, 2014
  24. No photo of the underwear? Seriously, those are some, shall we say, interesting shoes!

    Hugs from Ecuador,
    Kathy

    January 8, 2014
    • My mother would probably be very proud of her underwear body. She works out and looks great. But this isn’t that kind of blog. Ha. 🙂

      She gave me the shoes. I have no freaking clue what to do with them.

      January 9, 2014
  25. This was a hilarious post! I always am so glad that you are from a distance teaching us Northerners what a true Southern belle or lady should do. I never realized, unless you were on your honeymoon that underwear was supposed to match! I think your parents have some ‘screws loose!’ Smile, Robin

    January 8, 2014
    • I’m not sure true Southern belles are ladies. Ha.

      It’s probably why I have some screws loose.

      January 9, 2014
  26. Eha #

    I am clapping for your Mother ~ her maturity shows: what and how much she is wearing at any given time is HER business after all. ‘Course easy for me to say as I was born in NE Europe . . .well, as men and women share the sauna and jump into the cold lake or river together with obviously no underwear, I guess this is how i was brought up . . .oh easy life 🙂 !

    January 8, 2014
    • We are more prudish about nudity in the US (generalization.) I love many European commercials and ads, because they push more envelopes and are generally edgier than here. We actually had a scandal over a commercial over Christmas where guys in boxers played Jingle Bells with the balls in their underwear.

      January 9, 2014
      • Eha #

        Oh, I was sent that one as a ‘funny’ by a US friend!! Was not good enough to repost, but I thought it quite original ~ how on earth could that cause offence???? Australian ads do take care as some people complain, but that one would not have raised an eyebrow 🙂 !!

        January 9, 2014
  27. Between your parents’ antics and your wit, there seems to be no end to amusement, Andra. The shoes are kinda cute. I like penguins. Hmmmm? Slippers?

    January 8, 2014
    • They are slippers, Penny. I’d be happy to send them to you as a gift, because MTM gave me three pairs of velvet mary janes for Christmas. He almost fainted when he saw these.

      January 9, 2014
  28. “Immediately my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with the blue button eyes stared sappily up at me.”

    You and Ralphie may have had something in common.

    January 8, 2014
  29. Well duty called and you answered beautifully. Nice shoes

    January 8, 2014
  30. angela #

    Now besides the bug man, I thought you were going to explore that first time that your mother drug you into the room to find your special matching ‘outfit’. It so makes me think of “Are you there, God…” Blume’s Lord & Taylor coming of age scene became my real life when working at Penny’s as a teenager and had to sub in lingerie – tape measure and all, oy!

    January 8, 2014
    • I’m sure she did that to me, but I don’t remember it. What a horrifying experience for a teenager.

      January 9, 2014
  31. I have a fantasy that a television producer will read your blog and tap them for a reality show. Now that I know your mom slightly leans towards exhibitionism I think the odds on being discovered just improved!

    I have an idea! Why don’t you bring Roy and Linda to your book signings. Wouldn’t that be fun? LOL!

    January 8, 2014
  32. Your Mom has got Sass! I love it!

    January 9, 2014
  33. She’s just working what her mama gave her!

    January 9, 2014
  34. vastlycurious.com #

    Hilarious Andra! I still am programmed to match me undies : )

    January 9, 2014

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