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Rub Me The Right Way

I collapsed on the bed. Hoisted my legs in the air. MTM sauntered from the bathroom, the air still steamy from the shower. He stepped between my gams and did what he had to do.

“Ow, MTM!! That cream is supposed to help, not set my skin on FREAKING FIRE!!!!!”

“You just need to relax.”

 

“You’reβ€”OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!Β Don’t put tape on that spot.”

“Andra, Iβ€””

“Get away get away get away!” (I think I kicked him in the head.)

“Will you just be still, Andra? I told you not to wear regular tights on a fifteen mile walk. You need the athletic kind to keep from getting this rash between your legs. I hope you’ll listen to me now and get the right ones before you start this crazy Natchez Trace walk in March.”

I gritted my teeth and let him finish. My makeshift bandage looked like a Depend diaper from behind.

Sexy.

Yeah.

That’s me.

But, I’ve walked every day this week, with two long hauls. My hips are no longer screaming, and my feet are building callouses in all the right places. For the next couple of days, I guess MTM won’t mind that I have to sit in chairs like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.

from whatculture.com

I’m sure that’ll rub him the right way.

84 Comments Post a comment
  1. omtatjuan #

    When does this hike begin? What did Lewis and Clark use to relieve male itch?

    January 12, 2014
    • Juan, the hike begins on March 1. It ends on April 3.

      I have no idea what Lewis and Clark used to relieve male itch. Now you’ve got me wondering……………..

      January 12, 2014
      • omtatjuan #

        That’s a death march not a hike… If you slow down, you will be caned…

        January 12, 2014
      • People used to walk the entire Trace in as little as three weeks. I’m doing it in five.

        January 12, 2014
  2. MTM has a wicked smile!!

    January 12, 2014
  3. Hey Andra! You are a riot, but I love you. Thanks for making a (rashy) situation laughable

    January 12, 2014
  4. Oh my! Uhmmmmm love that picture. LOL Poor thing, I know just what you are going through and it is painful. You have time to learn from this mistake and make it right. KWIM ?

    January 12, 2014
  5. A steamy sequence, indeed! Both involved in rash behaviour?

    January 12, 2014
  6. Oh my. That made me laugh. Sorry about the rash though

    January 12, 2014
  7. I now have an image in my head that I can’t erase.

    January 12, 2014
  8. Ouch. I’m so excited for you Andra, but get the right equipment okay? πŸ˜‰ I

    January 12, 2014
    • I got two pairs of compression tights today, along with some Bodyglide, recommended by Nancy below. Also a lightweight backpack.

      January 12, 2014
  9. Ray #

    LOL!! You crack me up.

    January 12, 2014
  10. Now THAT’S love. πŸ™‚

    January 12, 2014
  11. You are a dirty girl.

    January 12, 2014
  12. “I’ll put up no resistance, I want to stay the distance
    I’ve got an itch to scratch, I need assistance:

    Toucha toucha toucha touch me,”

    Rocky Horror Picture Show

    January 12, 2014
  13. Very painful. You might find a diaper cream from the co-op a better solution than whatever you’re putting on it that hurts. “I told you so” looks good on MTM.

    January 12, 2014
    • He’s mighty pleased with himself. I’m using Gold Bond right now, and it’s worked wonders in 24 hours.

      January 12, 2014
  14. i have personal experience with this from training for the 3 day 60 mile avon walk, years ago. recommendation – wear bike shorts under whatever you have on, use vaseline or cream and cornstarch in any area that may chafe. and try to keep as dry as possible. i know, i know. and i love your titles by the way.

    January 12, 2014
    • All good recs. I read these earlier today, and I’ve bought some compression leggings and some of the stuff Nancy recommended below. I have a long walk tomorrow and Tuesday, and I’d like to see how these things do.

      January 12, 2014
  15. Now ain’t that sexy?! Is Mr MTM going to ride is fancy bike with you on the Trace some?

    January 12, 2014
    • I don’t know how much he’ll be able to go right now. It’d be great if he could some.

      January 12, 2014
  16. OUCH! Take that personal nurse with you on all your walks! πŸ™‚

    January 12, 2014
    • I wish MTM could go on all my walks with me, Maria. They get a little lonesome on my own.

      January 12, 2014
  17. Two words: That. Is. Funny!

    January 12, 2014
  18. Wooow…
    Artistically speaking, the photo is pretty good πŸ™‚

    Its better to figure out all the little details before the big walk happens, cause then it would be game over.

    I didnt when I was younger, but now I get those rashes easily if Im not careful, I guess ph changes on my sweat.

    January 12, 2014
    • I’m sure I’ll miss lots of details, but I’m trying to make as many mistakes as possible now.

      I like the photo, too.

      January 12, 2014
  19. I’m sorry about the rash, but this really made me giggle! πŸ™‚

    January 12, 2014
  20. Andra, that photo is… umm…. urrr…. yeah, well anyway…. πŸ™‚ MTM looks very happy on it! Hope your rash is feeling better and keep on walking girl!

    January 12, 2014
  21. Well . . . best stay on the trail and not run for public office anytime soon. hehehe

    January 12, 2014
    • I got this harebrained idea from someone who once ran for public office. He won, and I hope I do, too. πŸ™‚

      January 12, 2014
  22. Had a rash and my father in law gave me some liniment. (horse I think) . I put it on and after I realized I was going to die, I ran outside and jumped in a pond to put out the fire.(Getting back to the house was a problem with no pants) Lots of laughs for the FIL.

    January 12, 2014
  23. You make me laugh so hard! And what a freakin’ awesome picture. Gonna borrow that perspective for something. I just know it.

    January 12, 2014
  24. DESITIN diaper creme..thick, goopy white creme (basically zinc oxide)…works the best and doesn’t burn. I have had inner thigh rashes where I could hardly stand to walk at all. I would apply it at night and the next morning it would be mostly gone.
    Feel better. Love MTM’s look. πŸ˜‰

    January 12, 2014
    • It’s already so much better today, Amber. Of course, I didn’t walk today. I wondered whether diaper cream would work………..

      January 12, 2014
  25. Bodyglide. Use it liberally before you start walking and then during, on those longer walks). You can use it on inner thighs, under your boobs, basically any place that might chafe. It’s a life saver.

    January 12, 2014
    • Ordered some tonight. Thanks for the rec.

      January 12, 2014
      • I’m remembering back to the 5X breast cancer event walks and the tips and tricks I learned along the way. Also try mole skin for hot spots (before they become blisters).
        A trick I learned at that BLR resort for long hikes was duct tape. No joke, you slap duct tape on parts of your foot where blisters could form. It’s so tight that it prevents rubbing – which is the cause of blisters. Duct tape in bulk is sure to be cheaper than mole skin. πŸ™‚

        January 13, 2014
  26. Thanks for sharing your pain. I can’t wait for the next installment of your pre-Natchez Trace saga:)

    January 12, 2014
    • It is already becoming a saga, isn’t it? I’m enjoying it, though.

      January 12, 2014
  27. I knew there was a reason I wasn’t tempted to take long treks! But you sure do paint a very interesting picture. Ahem!

    January 12, 2014
    • It was a spur of the moment decision to take a snap. MTM is such a good sport.

      January 12, 2014
  28. Now this is hi-larious. For SOME reason, this post did NOT show up in my usual email and I had to hoof it on over here after a long day of mindlessness elsewhere to see if you posted today or not. Imagine my surprise to see that not only did you post today, but it’s one of those posts that made my head spin around.

    You should have put MTM in a Rod Stewart wig, though:

    Oh, by the way, when you’re on that trail and happen to pass a bunch of tired looking dead-eyed kids looking as if they’re walking for their lives, er… find a new path. That’s a Long Walk they’re on and they don’t have time for rashes… or much else, for that matter…

    January 12, 2014
    • Duly noted. If I pass a pack of kids, I’m going to be completely freaked out now. πŸ™‚

      I cannot imagine MTM in a Rod Stewart wig.

      January 12, 2014
      • Well, better some kids on that walk than a troop of lost and hungry Boy Scouts… they’d follow you and Roy around all day like a pack of little vultures plotting and planning. I wonder if there’s a merit badge for cannibalism? Probably falls under “Ecology” or “Conservation” or something… hmmm…

        January 13, 2014
  29. Dammit, Andra… why didn’t that Sharon Stone video work?!?!?!

    January 13, 2014
    • I found the actual panty-less photo, Ted. I decided it was poor taste to use it here. But, if you want to see it, Google works well.

      January 14, 2014
  30. Hahaha! Oh chafage….

    My advice is to go to your local running store and buy some body glide (for when you were shorts) and some running tights made out of a tech material that has a bit of a glossy/silky texture. That’ll help keep the frictional to a minimum. EMS/REI and other outdoors stores also have hiking pants/shorts that I’ve worn on multiple days of 20+ mile hiking and have never had an issue with — they’ll be looser and have more pockets than the running tights.

    January 13, 2014
    • I have all of this on order now. Thank you for the advice. You may become one of my gurus of this craziness.

      January 14, 2014
  31. Lance #

    You are the Queen of TMi in a good way.

    January 13, 2014
  32. Ahahaha. But. OWOWOWOWOWOW. I hate inner thigh rashes. I hate lady part rashes. I HATE RASHES.

    January 13, 2014
    • It’s all better today, and I did a 16 mile walk yesterday.

      January 14, 2014
  33. tarakianwarrior #

    Bag Balm. Seriously. I used it after my 40 mile bike ride, and I have to use it all the time when I run. Chaffing sucks. I always thought it was because I had such a nice round tushy….

    January 13, 2014
    • I’ve heard of that stuff. I’m going to look it up.

      January 14, 2014
  34. How far will you hike each day? Sorry if you’ve stated somewhere previously, I’m trying to catch up!

    January 13, 2014
    • 15 miles per day. 6 days a week. One rest day per week. I start March 1 and finish April 3. Pioneers walked this is as little as three weeks, so I sort of feel like a wuss doing it in five-ish.

      January 14, 2014
  35. vastlycurious.com #

    This was a great informative post Andra! So sorry about your little problem but you penned it in such a funny way ! All the suggestions are very good as well. I have oft wondered if compression legging work well for long hikes, hot or cold? Have you ever worn them?

    January 13, 2014
    • I can tell you in a week or so. I’ve got some on order.

      January 14, 2014
      • vastlycurious.com #

        Keep us posted!

        January 14, 2014
  36. You set this up, just right, Andra! Loved it, laughed hysterically!

    January 14, 2014
  37. Your feet look like they’re ready to do a plie on MTM’s head πŸ™‚

    January 16, 2014
  38. What kind of shoes are you using for the walk, if I may ask?

    January 16, 2014
    • Salomon sneakers with hiking boots for wet days.

      January 16, 2014
      • So you’ll be decked out; I have to give you credit for thinking of the hiking boots, I would never have thought of that and then found myself on the wet trail going, ‘why didn’t I bring boots?’

        January 17, 2014
  39. You’re a funny woman, Ms. Watkins. I can always rely on you for a laugh.

    January 17, 2014
    • How did you end up in my spam folder, Misti? That is not right. I’m glad I’m good for a laugh. I deserve to be laughed at for doing this to myself. πŸ™‚

      January 17, 2014

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