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Roy In The Raw

A conversation between my friend Alice and me. Regarding Roy.

Because my dear friend Alice has been game enough to drive two hours one way to spend the night with my father. She committed—blind—to wrangle him for the first week of my Natchez Trace walk, even though she’s barely laid eyeballs on him since my wedding in 2004.

Alice: “I think I need to go to your parents’ and spend time with your dad ahead of the trip, Andra. I mean………..um……….well……………I’m going to be spending a week with him, and……………well……….he’s…………um—”

Me: “Impossible? Horrifying? Somewhat smelly?

Alice: “Um. Well, I didn’t mean to imply—”

Me: “Ornery? Very, VERY deaf? A television addict with his butt attached to a La-z-boy? A—

Alice: “Andra…………you WANT me to do this with you, right???”

Me: “Um………..”

Alice: “Because……….well…………you’re not exactly making it into an attractive use of my time……….”

Me: “OHMYGOD!!!!! Dad is a kitten!! Who knows how to use a litter box and EVERYTHING!!! I’m sure he won’t even flash his big belly—I mean, I know he will be the model of decorum throughout your entire week with us. You practically won’t even know he’s there, he’ll be so tame-and-meek.”

(You know Roy better than me, Dear Reader.)

I’ve spent WAAAAAAAAAY more time with Alice’s father than she has with mine. And I can say with absolute honesty: I love her Southern Gothic dad. He. Is. Awesome.

I can only hope she will feel the same about mine. We’ve tried to go visit my parents three weeks in a row, and we were foiled each time. (Weather. Sickness. Weather. Again. Dang South.)

When Dad parades around naked and farts really loud, I hope Alice will roll with it. Roy In The Raw is not something I would wish on anyone.

Especially not anyone I love.

48 Comments Post a comment
  1. omtatjuan #

    He wears short sleeves or he’s a truck driver.. Is that you in the right corner?

    February 11, 2014
    • That’s me. I had to have been nine years old, because that was the year I decided to get that dreadful Farrah cut.

      Dad never wears long sleeves. Ever.

      February 11, 2014
  2. Did you see the most recent Sherlock Holmes movie? With Stephen Fry as Mycroft Holmes? That is how I envision your dad during this. Very charming, and totally naked.

    February 11, 2014
  3. Raw Roy…an image I will carry with me through my day…:-/

    February 11, 2014
  4. Dang, I was thinking about popping down to the Natchez Trail and surprising you and Roy, but, now I am skeered out of my mind. Alice will be perfect and she can then remake Roy with some of her archy techy sneaky tools.

    February 11, 2014
    • If you came and surprised us, I would die. That would be SO AWESOME. (And, I totally know you don’t have time.)

      February 11, 2014
  5. We need her to write a blog about her experience with Roy.

    February 11, 2014
    • Ha. I’m sure we’ll have some of those during the trip.

      February 11, 2014
  6. hihohiho #

    It seems that the fates are conspiring against my pre-trip meet and greet with Roy. Ohhh well I’ll wing it. I’m looking forward to it! Roy and I are going to find the hot spots on the trace to chat and chew with the locals.

    February 11, 2014
    • He’ll fit in everywhere. What’s funny is that when Mom comes, she wants to walk with me some. I’m really worried about Dad getting into some place and forgetting about us, while we sit at the side of the road for hours and try to call his deaf self to stop talking and pick us up.

      February 11, 2014
  7. Bless Alice for taking on the daunting task of being entertained by Roy’s antics for a week. I’m sure they’ll be fine.

    February 11, 2014
    • She understands people like Dad. I’m not worried. Much.

      February 11, 2014
  8. Ha ha ha!!! And that photo is priceless!!!

    February 11, 2014
  9. “Roy in the Raw?” How funny is that?!!!!! Good luck, Alice.

    Hugs from Ecuador,
    Kathy

    February 11, 2014
  10. You and my daughter should compare notes. 🙂

    February 11, 2014
  11. Methinks you’re going to be in Alice’s debt, darling. Big time. Don’t be surprised if you get a call sometime in the future with a request to move a body or something equally friendship testing.

    February 11, 2014
    • I’m already in Alice’s debt. She’s listened to me talk about this dang writing stuff for way more than her share of hours.

      February 11, 2014
  12. Hahaha! “Roy in the raw” is the greatest descriptor ever. You have to keep using it. Whenever he’s being all Roy-y, you can just say “Here we go again, Roy’s in the raw.”

    If it makes you feel any better, my dad is everything that Roy is with the added bonus that he feels totally at home wandering around in his underwear no matter who is in the house. That is not an attractive look for a 70 year old man, let me tell you, but, as he likes to proclaim to all of my friends who have ever stopped by, he is “naked and NOT ASHAMED!”

    February 11, 2014
    • Your father and mine would get along really well. We have to come up with a similar moniker for your dad…………

      February 11, 2014
      • My brothers and I refer to him as Big Pete, but I think it could use some spiffing up.

        February 11, 2014
      • I will think on it……

        February 11, 2014
  13. Roy in the raw… What a lovely image.

    February 11, 2014
  14. At least Alice, who sounds like a very dear and good friend, has been forewarned, Andra. As others have said, Roy in the Raw is quite an image, title, whatever.

    February 11, 2014
    • She’s been around him. Just not this much. I will owe her gallons of gin when we get home.

      February 11, 2014
  15. 🙄

    February 11, 2014
  16. “There are two things we should always be 1. raw and 2. ready. When you are raw, you are always ready and when you are ready you usually realize that you are raw. Waiting for perfection is not an answer, one cannot say “I will be ready when I am perfect” because then you will never be ready, rather one must say “I am raw and I am ready just like this right now, how and who I am.”
    ― C. JoyBell C.

    An apt description, and NOT just for your Dad…..

    February 11, 2014
  17. LEGEND!

    February 11, 2014
    • Jim, I really hope you get to meet Dad someday. You’re one of his biggest fans.

      February 11, 2014
  18. you made me wet myself.

    February 11, 2014
  19. I… I… oh, wow. I’m sorry, Andra.

    February 11, 2014
  20. Oh, Roy….I am sure Alice will do ok, it’s easier when it’s not your own parent. Can’t wait to read the Roy stories after the visit though. 🙂

    February 11, 2014
    • I hope he doesn’t try too hard. He isn’t funny when he tries too hard.

      February 11, 2014
  21. I hope she brings a camera. There just can’t be too many pictures of this trek. I, for one, am really looking forward to this. Counting the days!

    February 12, 2014
  22. Oh dear Alice. She must really, really love you, Andra. 🙂 Will she guest blog after the fact? We’d love to hear her version of Roy in the Raw!

    February 12, 2014
  23. Oh my GOD – and you have the photo evidence to prove it!! What fabulous blackmail material when your Mom is writing her will. (“And so long as she destroys that nude picture of her father, I leave to my daughter Andra…”)

    February 12, 2014
  24. HOW did I miss this post? Oh yeah… busy and scattered. ANY-way… at least Roy can’t fly around the room (yet). Then you’d have to deal with this:

    February 13, 2014

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