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Why I Am A Bad Wife Redux

Why I am a bad wife this month, in no particular order.

  1. I just cleaned the toilet. I can’t remember the last time I scrubbed it, but MTM caught me, motoring away with the brush in my hand, bedecked in my flannel pajamas with the cardinals all over them.
  2. I’m sure I was fetching.
  3. NOT.
  4. I asked MTM for the four million, two hundred and seventy-eight thousand, four hundred and fifty-fifth time, if this book will make me.
  5. He said yes. Because, he is the most amazing and long suffering husband of all time.
  6. I then proceeded to do our taxes for at least four hours, all the while complaining about how much I have to do and screeching at the computer every time something didn’t come out right. He humored me, because he still likes having COFFEE. With me. Even though I wear cardinal-crusted flannel pajamas that are not exactly clean and shriek at inanimate objects. For hours. And hours.
  7. I cannot fathom why he would want to sleep with me, ever again.
  8. He gave me wine, which made me more talkative. Not a Good Thing.
  9. When MTM asked me if he had any clean underwear several days ago, I did not compute that I needed to do laundry. Instead, in a down-to-the-wire fog, I asked him what one of my characters would do in the same situation.
  10. We talked about fake people for at least three hours.
  11. MTM went commando for several days, while I wandered around the house in a stupor.
  12. And cried.
  13. And talked about more fake people.
  14. And drank.
  15. And stared out the window.
  16. And cried some more.

I leave MTM one week from tomorrow. For a whole month. He deserves better than a shade of a wife who natters on about the people who live inside her head, who sobs and blows her nose into her hands while she wears not-clean cardinal pajamas and does shots because she will miss him so much while she tries to get everything done so that she can walk the Natchez Trace alone.

Dear Reader, what can I do to be a better week-to-go wife to my dear MTM?

109 Comments Post a comment
  1. Good luck on your walk!

    February 18, 2014
  2. oh I dunno, he should just divorce you! But I guess he’s waiting for the millions from the book deal, right? Just kidding. You sound like such a sweet couple!

    February 18, 2014
    • He is sweet. I wouldn’t call me that today. But thank you.

      February 18, 2014
  3. Watch out for an ambush on the Natchez Trace….MTM could be going for the insurance and all the millions from the book….:)

    February 18, 2014
    • I could die on this trip, Roger. That’s true. I’m risking my life for a book I believe in. Either way, it won’t result in millions. I just hope a few people will read it and care as a result of my effort.

      Can anyone tell I’m overwhelmed right now?? 🙂

      February 18, 2014
  4. Emily Guess #

    If I really wanted to be nice to Joey, I would fix him Osso Bucco and Creme Brulee.Michael must have a favorite something.

    February 18, 2014
  5. Gee, What would I suggest you do when leaving a man for a month in one week. …
    Nope, I’m dry. Sorry.

    February 18, 2014
    • If he hadn’t just had to spend thirty minutes listen to me cry in the car, he might find me sexy enough to…….well, you know. When I jumped off a cliff, I never realized how scary it would be to fly though the air and wonder where I was going to land. All I see are hard things today. I’m sure the view will be different tomorrow. 🙂

      February 18, 2014
      • I’m sure it will too. After all, just today TBM over at the 50 Year Project reviewed Huck Finn which I started re-reading last week and I went to visit Mr Audubon at Trinity cemetery last week and darned if an old friend of yours and a very young girl you befriended didn’t just talk about them with me.

        February 18, 2014
    • I didn’t realize Mr. Audubon was buried at Trinity. Send me some photos if you get back that way in the next month. We could collaborate on another blog post. 🙂

      February 18, 2014
  6. Relax and stop worrying. He loves you amd understands.

    February 18, 2014
  7. Lance #

    You mean other than plenty of sexy time? Nothing. He loves you the way you are.

    I’m on the road in NYC. Although I’m away from the Bobina for just 4 or 5 days at a time before heading home for the weekend, it’s hard. I hate it. But we curl up together, binge watch tv shows, talk about nonsense and make out like teenagers when I get back. My key works every time I open the door.

    February 18, 2014
    • Enjoy the city, Lance. It’s one of my favorite places. I’m enjoying your updates.

      February 18, 2014
      • Lance #

        I love NYC , too. Lower manhattan is beautiful in snow

        February 18, 2014
    • It is.

      February 18, 2014
  8. I love the links. I could spend way to much time going over the links.

    As to what to do? Be yourself. MTM obviously loves you. And he loves you for what you are, not some other person you might try to be. Just hug him, say ‘thank you’, and be you. Oh, and don’t check his ebay receipts for all the bike stuff he buys. Just sayin’.

    February 18, 2014
    • These days, his ebay receipts are going to fund my crazy dream. That’s how much he loves me. Yes, I know it’s a lot.

      February 18, 2014
  9. Carlos Ovalle #

    The only proper answer is, teach him to do laundry.

    February 18, 2014
    • He hates doing laundry as much as I hate cooking. When we’re together, that balance works great. When we’re not, I feed myself popcorn and he wears no underwear. Ha.

      February 18, 2014
  10. imabug #

    flaaaannel

    February 18, 2014
  11. Tell him he is loved and appreciated and bring him back a pack of nice undies.

    February 18, 2014
    • I got him some new ones for Christmas in an effort to ramp up his supply. 🙂

      February 18, 2014
      • I did the same for all boys and men in my household. Sometimes more is the best option. Enjoy your trip!

        February 18, 2014
    • Thanks.

      February 18, 2014
  12. Role-play a sex act with MTM and the characters in your head … a win-win for both of you 🙂

    February 18, 2014
    • For anyone uninitiated into the world of the novel, I don’t think role playing sex acts with my characters would be wise. 🙂

      February 18, 2014
      • Oops … damn … showing my ignorance again!

        February 18, 2014
      • Nope. Not ignorance. There is no ignorance in this group of people. 🙂

        February 18, 2014
      • True dat.

        February 18, 2014
  13. Debbie #

    Hire a cleaning lady who does laundry! Oh and get new sexy PJ’s 🙂

    February 18, 2014
    • Do you know anyone who’d take on our condo for six weeks???

      February 18, 2014
  14. Get him a prepaid platinum card at the Belmont.

    February 18, 2014
    • I need to go in there……….another thing to add to the list of Things to Do Before I Leave. One of the bartenders there came up with the recipe for the Thunderclapper in the book. I wanted to interview him before I left and put his recipe up on the site. Maybe he can just make me about three of them, and I can fall over on the floor, and when I wake up this will all be over. Ha.

      February 18, 2014
      • Not gonna happen, Alice! You started this and I’m sure you’ll complete it with flying colors!! Tomorrow will look brighter.

        February 18, 2014
    • Exactly what I was going to say, Karen. Great minds think alike!?. Just keep doing what you do, Andra.

      February 18, 2014
    • Ah, Ella’s a great one.

      February 18, 2014
  15. Continue to be yourself. He’s no idiot. He didn’t fall in love with a wife. He fell in love with you.

    February 18, 2014
    • He had the chance to figure out I’m not very wifely way before he asked me to marry him. That’s true. 🙂

      February 18, 2014
      • Yep. My Laura knew what she was getting into. We are blessed, I reckon.

        February 18, 2014
  16. I’m with Karen Snyder on this one. Keep on doing what you’re doing. It’s worked this long, so why change a thing?

    February 18, 2014
    • I’m afraid this will change me, though, and I don’t like that. Everything changes us, but I want the changes to make me a better person. Right now, today, I don’t feel much like a better person, but there’s always tomorrow. 🙂

      February 18, 2014
  17. Teach him to do his own laundry. A month is a long time to go commando! And leave the unwashed cardinal flannel pajamas out so he can comfort himself by occasionally inhaling your scent.

    February 18, 2014
  18. You can’t fool me–MTM loves you beyond all your wildest dreams and you him. He would move the sun, the moon, and get you whatever star you wanted. You in return love him equally as much.

    I know that the two of you cherish each other every day.That is what you can do. You can be sure he understands exactly how much you cherish him. He has helped you get to this point as your primary reader and partner in everything.

    Oh, and have a lot of COFFEE with him before you walk out on him… 🙂

    February 18, 2014
    • We’re both so tired from trying to get everything done………….I’ll chug my coffee and hope that revs me up. 🙂

      February 18, 2014
  19. napperscompanion #

    Thoughts from a 52-year-old: 1.) You’re already made. The rumphole world just doesn’t know it yet. 2.) You do the taxes. That alone puts you at the top of the wife standings. And 3.) Don’t kid yourself. Flannel jam jams can be grrrr sexy. Peace and ha! John

    February 18, 2014
    • Yes. MTM really agrees with you about number 2. Every year when this rolls around, I remember why I fled screaming from public accounting. I swear it’s going to be the last year I do our taxes myself.

      February 18, 2014
  20. Im so glad I dont have to declare taxes, and reminds me I have to do laundry today before it becomes a mountain.

    I wish you the best and I hope you make it to your dream job as a writer, it would be great but you shouldnt blame yourself if it “doesnt happen”, the environment is dry and nothing seems to grow naturally.
    On the contrary, you should be proud of yourself for completing the works, for doing the walk in order to experience and communicate what the characters in the book did.
    If you motivate mainly by masses acceptance, it will lead to depression, one way or another.

    February 18, 2014
    • If I motivated by mass acceptance, I wouldn’t be here today. That doesn’t mean that I don’t get frustrated, though. Or that I don’t get scared. Or that I don’t have days where I feel like I’ve made a colossal blunder. There are many, many days where I know that completing a book that I’m proud of and taking a walk that few people could do are the things that matter. I’m human, and this isn’t one of those days. Tomorrow is another day, and I’m sure my head will be in a better place.

      February 18, 2014
  21. Continue to be yourself. That’s what he loves you for. And that’s what you’re best at.

    February 18, 2014
  22. Lance’s answer cracked me up.
    Don’t change a thing! You’re great together as is.

    February 18, 2014
  23. I keep my taxes simple. That way I don’t want to act like a complete madman when I do them. Even though I was audit-side, I still can hold my own on a 1040 but it’s the principle of matter, Andra! Tax credits are an illusion and subtle forms of control on the public! Gah, people!

    Anyone who cleans my bathroom and launders my clothes won’t have any complaints out of me for the foibles. I’ve been doing that crap for years, and any break is a good break.

    February 18, 2014
    • Our taxes are pretty simple. I just can’t stand to do them. The whole process makes me ill and reminds me why I quit public accounting.

      February 18, 2014
  24. tarakianwarrior #

    I don’t hear him complain, embrace it.

    February 18, 2014
    • He complained yesterday when he asked me to load the dishwasher, and I was wandering around somewhere between trying to make sure all my walking clothes were clean and freaking out over the length of my to do list. 🙂

      February 18, 2014
  25. I would say he knows how lucky he is Andra. Although some clean undies might help! Plus a cuddle.

    February 18, 2014
  26. Well, you’re obviously doing something right, or MTM would have traded you in for a bicycle, a chess board with three missing pieces and a family sized can of Alaskan pink salmon a while back. He’ll miss you, you know it.

    THAT said, you wanna spice things up a bit? Here’s an idea:

    Don’t let MTM see this post. SURPRISE is the key here…

    February 18, 2014
  27. Liesl #

    This week, take some time to write little love notes and hide them around the house in places you know he will find while you are away. Just a few words will suffice. And leave the man with clean drawers! Lawd have mercy…

    February 18, 2014
    • I love this idea, Liesl. I usually do it when I’m away for a couple of days, and MTM finds them all in less than an hour. Ha. A month’s worth will really challenge me to be creative in my hiding abilities. Thank you, Dear. 🙂

      February 18, 2014
  28. I started your book last night, in bed, wearing my flannel pajamas. 🙂 No cardinals here but I’m pretty sure my log cabins are right on par with your birds on the sexy meter… Loving the book so far!

    February 18, 2014
    • You must’ve been inspired by the fact that I wrote most of it in flannel pajamas. Ha.

      February 18, 2014
  29. Don’t change. 🙂

    February 18, 2014
    • I need to change how overwhelmed I sometimes get over silly things. One breath at a time. 🙂

      February 18, 2014
      • Yeah, but I get why he likes you, is what I’m saying.

        February 18, 2014
  30. I think he likes the way you are. Bought the book

    February 18, 2014
  31. ****sigh**** I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… MTM must have the patience of a Saint.

    p.s. you will not be alone on the Natchez Trace…

    February 18, 2014
    • He does, Ted. He does. He has to have patience for both of us, because I have none. 🙂

      February 18, 2014
  32. The way your two photos aligned at the top of this post made me grin. That said it all – you’re a wife (a great one and a frenzied one) and you’re also a person (a great one and a frenzied one). It’s all just part of life.

    (Easy for me to wax philosophical now… in a few months, I’ll start grad school but keep working full-time, and I’ve already promised to buy J a body pillow and embroider my face on it so he can pretend he still gets to sleep with me.)

    February 18, 2014
    • I laughed out loud at your strategy for a snuggle pillow for J. I wonder if I could do that and leave it here for MTM……….

      February 19, 2014
  33. Haha, I found your post very interesting! Great writing! Congratulations!

    February 18, 2014
  34. I scream at the computer when I do our taxes too. I also talk to inanimate objects on a regular basis.

    February 18, 2014
  35. LOL! I am sending a sympathy card to MTM.

    February 18, 2014
  36. and i am going to say he is in awe of you. even as he goes commando.

    February 18, 2014
  37. I have sympathy for MTM, yes, but also for you. Because our toilets? Yeah. The six year old cleans them because I’m too busy typing. So … I get it. Just hang in there.

    February 18, 2014
    • I throw those bleach tabs in the tank. I know they’re bad, but they keep the thing sort of sanitary for far longer than without one.

      February 19, 2014
  38. I just got Katy back in the house after 5 days and 4 nights without her. OMG I was like a ship without a rudder. I manged but it sucked horribly. 😦 I can’t imagine what I would do if she left for entire freaking month. Argggghhhh I would need serious medication and a rubber room of some sort. LOL So, I am sure I missed this somehow but you are going to walk for 40 days and then sleep at night or are you walking for 40 days straight? I hope that it is the first one and not the last one. Is MTM going to be in the general vicinity? I do not like the idea of you being out there all by yourself. I feel a fatherly instinct kicking in here so I had better stop. LOL

    February 18, 2014
    • MTM is not going with me. He’s having two conjugal visit weekends, and he’s meeting me at the end. My dad will be along, and I have a various assortment of people to wrangle him. It’s funny that I have to line up people to deal with Dad, and I’M the one who’s walking 444 miles.

      February 19, 2014
  39. Ha,ha! This is a funny list, Andra. I think to make up for it all you should clean the toilet a la nude and stuff those cardinal pjs in the bottom drawer for a year or two. 🙂

    February 18, 2014
    • I just need to throw them away. They’re pretty awful.

      February 19, 2014
  40. angela #

    Set up a snapchat account and tempt him with a preview of what shall be his daily reminders of why he Loves his Accidental Cootchi Mama.

    (So bummed, btw, just now catching on about your project. So would hiked a few days with you! This reminds me a bit of “Wild” – you go, lady!)

    February 18, 2014
    • That is what folks do with that, isn’t it? 🙂

      If you can work out an escape, let me know. I’d love to have you along. I have a whole spreadsheet I can share with you to plan your adventure. 🙂

      February 19, 2014
      • angela #

        Just checked flight prices – ouch! That said, shoot me an idea of where you will be toward the end of March, just in case driving is an option.

        February 20, 2014
      • I’ll share my big ole spreadsheet with you now.

        February 20, 2014
  41. I’m pretty sure you’re just being you. And he loves you. So just keep on keepin’ on.

    And remember the magic of facetime! It’s 2014! Break out the iPhones! Country Boy and I travel a lot for work, and being able to actually see each other makes a huge difference.

    February 18, 2014
    • MTM gets his new iPhone tomorrow. FaceTime may save me.

      February 19, 2014
  42. Jen #

    #9 – 16, LOLing! Yes, I’m laughing at your misery. Because it’s FUNNY. And because I hear your laughter between the lines. It’s what keeps us going.

    February 19, 2014
    • If we can’t laugh, we can drink, right?

      February 19, 2014
      • Jen #

        indeed. my latest cocktail, i call the “Hannaton.” Fresh lemon juice ice cubes (from my garden lemons), an Israeli syrupy berry juice drink called “Mitz Petel” and Absolut. I drink it during the witching hour (5 pm) when I’d otherwise cry.

        February 20, 2014
  43. Hello, Cheerio #

    Honestly he sounds like a keeper, someone who understands and supports and loves you. Enjoy and hold tight. Good luck with your book!

    February 19, 2014
    • Thanks. According to everything I read about rolling out a book, I need more than luck. I need a miracle. Ha.

      February 19, 2014
      • Hello, Cheerio #

        Miracles happen all of the time, your odds are good. 🙂

        February 19, 2014
  44. I wish I could help you relax and enjoy this ride, sweet Andra. I hope you will just launch into the excitement and anticipate an amazing, one-of-a-kind experience. It’s pretty clear to me that MTM really does love you and just wants you to be happy…there is no other explanation that I can come up with for why he is willing to talk for hours about fake people. LOL! Of course it’s possible he’s counting the days until you take that walk. 🙂 He will at least get the laundry done while you are on your trek! Seriously…I’m so excited for you!

    February 20, 2014
  45. I’m so sorry it’s been 3 days since you posted this and I’m just getting to read it. I feel like a shitty friend.

    You are overwhelmed. You’ve got a lot going on; so it’s understandable. Have you been keeping up with your hot yoga? That should help quiet your mind.

    As for MTM, he will do what he always does: support and love you.

    Try to enjoy this last week together. ❤

    February 21, 2014

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