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My Bum Goes

“I never imagined your mother……….THAT way.” Miss Sweat, my junior high school English teacher, speared a bite of her hot fudge sundae. “I’d always imagined her as the epitome of Southern grace and decorum.”

“Ha,” I muttered under my breath.

“What?”

“Nothing! Um……..you were saying……..about my mother………”

“Well………..did she ever tell you about the time she was waiting for you at school………in car line………..”

I choked on my food. Because I knew what story was coming. I’d EXPERIENCED it. I’d never forgotten its………um………ah………finish.

“I couldn’t believe it.” Miss Sweat stabbed another unnatural square of chocolate and ice cream. “Your VERY PROPER MOTHER told me she was waiting for you in car line……..and it was taking a while……….and she got these………..pains………….you know what I mean—”

“Yep! I do!”

“And, she thought, you know, maybe she could just, um, relieve herself, because……well, she was ALONE in the car and all…….so she just……….did what she needed to do…………and I’m sitting there………..SHOCKED………….but that wasn’t the worst of it………….”

“No. It wasn’t. I STILL remember—”

“As soon as she, um, let everything go, she heard a knock on her window! A man stood there, wanting to talk to her. And, she sat there……..stewing in her own juices…….and didn’t know whether to roll down the window—”

“Let me tell you, she TOTALLY should’ve rolled down the window ALL THE WAY to save me from that—”

“So, she let it down just a crack—”

“Which wasn’t enough for ME—”

“And she saw his whole face change. Because. YOU KNOW—”

“Oh, I know.”

“And, after that story, I never saw your mom the same way. I always thought she was perfect, but it turned out she was human.”

“VERY human.”

“Yeah. Just like me.”

53 Comments Post a comment
  1. OMG, too funny. Andra, As I’ve become older, the “ducks” don’t stay in upon command and they certainly aren’t silent or scent-free. It’s not a matter of being prim or proper, it’s a matter of not being able to hold what you don’t have in your hand. :-p

    May 7, 2014
    • Mary, I’m such a juvenile. I laughed until I cried at that video. The ducks one was particularly funny, because that’s how I imagined my mother in this situation. We’re all human. Mom even says, “Dr. Oz preaches to embrace gas, because it’s a natural bodily function.”

      May 7, 2014
      • We are all 10 year old boys at heart. When I used to watch Family Guy, there was a segment where little Stewie farted in his high chair and then proceeded to break a blood vessel in his eye. I almost died laughing. Gas is hilarious.

        May 7, 2014
  2. Oh dear! Funny story. Love bikerchick57’s explanation above.

    May 7, 2014
  3. Ha,ha! I love this!! My mom is Ms. Proper as well so I can imagine this happening to her.

    May 7, 2014
    • It’s probably happened to all of us at one time or another.

      May 7, 2014
  4. Ha ha! This is something my mom and I never talked about, because she’s a proper southern woman.:-) But it happens to us all, right???

    May 7, 2014
    • I don’t know that this particular thing has ever happened to me. I really don’t think I would’ve rolled the window down in that situation……….

      May 7, 2014
  5. Thank you for the morning laugh. I am sure you mom will appreciate it too. I sure wish we could see the look on that guys face when she rolled down the window. 🙂

    May 7, 2014
    • I think the look on his face was probably the priceless moment in the whole thing, and I totally missed it.

      May 7, 2014
  6. Coffee through the nose funny. Thanks

    May 7, 2014
  7. My very proper Southern Lady mama said that in exercise class (after the age of 80) that’s all you hear as everyone bends…and she said the only saving grace is that they all do it and that at that age, everyone’s hearing and sense of smell are poor…so what’s my excuse?

    May 7, 2014
    • I’m waiting for it to happen to me in yoga. It happens plenty in there………..

      May 7, 2014
      • Happens to me every time I get up out of a chair. Bill has a special name for me: Miss Farty Pants

        May 7, 2014
  8. Humans. What an interesting herd.

    May 7, 2014
  9. The ducks got me! Lighting them was a juvenile indulgence by one of my oldes friends until a backdraft curtailed things….

    May 7, 2014
  10. Kir Piccini #

    My brother is somewhere in an afterlife telling a story just like this about my mother. I just know it. 😉

    Moms are smelly too (or so my sons have said. Hmm.)

    May 7, 2014
    • I don’t have any room to talk, Kirsten. My mom would be the first person to tell you that. The food offerings along the Natchez Trace kept my stomach torn up for an entire month.

      May 7, 2014
  11. There’s nothing more liberating than finally coming to the realization that you can let loose in front of your significant other.

    May 7, 2014
  12. From smoking guns to smoking …. you know. ;0

    May 7, 2014
  13. “You just farted in front of my wife”
    “I’m sorry…I had no idea that it was her turn”

    May 7, 2014
    • Roger, I read this comment in line at the post office earlier today. I made quite a disruption……….

      May 7, 2014
  14. this is so funny, gas is a great leveler and i love the picture of the two of you )

    May 7, 2014
    • I was really glad Mom wanted to walk with me some. That was the first day she did it.

      May 7, 2014
  15. Hey, everybody gets gassy. 🙂

    May 7, 2014
  16. Lance #

    You have an amazing memory and are very good with nostalgia. I can’t remember anything noteworthy about school or teachers except maybe my senior year of high school and or stuff in college. I kind of admire that about you.

    May 7, 2014
    • My memory is VERY long, Lance. That can be good and bad. I used to be able to hold a grudge for a good, long time. I hope I’ve finally grown up enough to realize that only hurts me.

      May 7, 2014
      • Lance #

        remind me to not piss you off

        May 7, 2014
      • I hope I’ve outgrown that. Took about 40 years……..

        May 7, 2014
  17. “Yeah. Just like me.”

    Oh, miss teacher…

    May 7, 2014
  18. “ooops” my mom would say “I’ve made Fourth of July”. I still burst out laughing at fireworks.

    May 7, 2014
    • The fireworks this year won’t be the same for me now, Penny. Even I will be remembering your mother. Thank you for that.

      May 7, 2014
  19. Haha, that’s a perennial problem. I recently saw this blog post with advice from 1530 to cover the sound with a cough!
    http://askthepast.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/how-to-fart-1530.html

    May 7, 2014
  20. tarakianwarrior #

    Kellie Raspberry had Ms. Sweat on the show the other day – too funny. I have one of those stories, well, not really, Mike and I were at Mom and Dad’s and were emptying a garbage can that spilled out all over my feet….unfortunately this was the same garbage can that my Daddy had under a deer he had recently killed…you guessed it – OMGosh. I was gagging but we had to go pick up Carrington at a birthday party – we get there – and yes, the Vice Principal from the school (the birthday girl’s father) comes up to the car…I will not roll down my window and finally I do, and he backs up at least four feet. You should have seen the look on his face. Mortifying. Yes, I attempted to explain…but he was backing up way too fast…

    Even ladies have to pass wind sometimes….

    May 7, 2014
    • Miss Sweat messaged me for some memories about Kellie, but I don’t know how helpful I was. Her brother Ryan and I were always in the same class. What’s funny to me about Kellie after all these years is I can be anywhere and hear her voice, and I always know it’s her. She’s really a great person, and I’m so happy that she’s in the place she’s in.

      You win, Lori. In terms of stinky stories, this one has GOT to be the stinkiest. Was poor Carrington mortified, too?

      May 7, 2014
  21. John Coleman #

    Two thoughts: 1.) How lovely it is that farts are emerging as a reasonable topic of conversation among intelligent people. And 2.) I’ve come to the conclusion that every human being’s sense of humor is that of an eleven-year-old boy. This post is a “good one.” John

    May 7, 2014
    • It was the best thing I could find to show the duality that is my mother. I don’t know whether that’s sad or awesome, but there you go. 🙂

      May 7, 2014
  22. Where did you find this video! It’s hilarious, Andra. I can’t wait to share it. LOL! Your dear mother…she had to choose pain versus possible embarrassment. The odds were in her favor, but she just didn’t quite get away with it. The secret is to always have a dog or a baby with you. No one is ever quite sure. 🙂

    May 8, 2014
  23. I am giggling, and Felix really wants to watch that video, and I just… can’t, because we are in the throes of fart humor and balancing being polite in public and at the table around here, and it’s just… so… giggle. Snort.

    I give up.

    May 8, 2014
  24. Oh my goodness – too funny, Andra! It reminds me of a skit on the Catherine Tate Show of a very proper lady and her penchant for gas! I’ll have to watch the video at home with the boy. He’s in the throes of dress rehearsals for his musical, and needs some levity.

    May 8, 2014
  25. Andra, I have laughed at both your Mom’s story and the video until I cried! FYI, advise yr Mom next time to have the air conditioner on high, but not recirculating, if she wants to retain decorum. On the other hand, sometimes we want to use our natural functions there same way a skunk uses his! Like that time when I worked with an intrusive man who seemed to have no awareness of personal space. He tended to come up behind us women when we were reading files or charts, without warning. One say he drew up behind me at JUST the wrong moment…… and he NEVER did that to me again!!!!

    May 8, 2014

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