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Over It

picMaybe a quick post. Maybe not.

MTM’s collarbone surgery is at 2:30pm today. It’s scheduled to take 2 1/2 hours. We both appreciate thoughts and prayers (especially since MTM won’t be able to eat all day. People are prone to become grouchy when they can’t eat………..though bad nurses are always grouchy.)

Feeling overwhelmed makes me grouchy.

And I should be thankful.

I just spent three days at the Grove Park Inn in Asheville, North Carolina. The place was spangled for the holidays, and the arctic weather was the perfect accompaniment to twinkling lights and stone fireplaces big enough to cook a person on a spit.

But between tying MTM’s shoes (and other things you don’t want to read) and racing to various Rotary sessions (because that’s why I was there), I never even sat in the grand lobby of the Grove Park. Never let the heat of the fireplace flame my cheeks. Never took note of the decorations or collapsed in a rocking chair.

I failed at nurse, and I failed at Rotary.

But mostly, I failed at being in the moment.

I feel guilty for dragging my injured husband four hours one way, all because I feared losing my money and my potential for continued Rotary leadership. I spent the entire time doing nothing well. And in the end, I didn’t get the position I wanted anyway.

I don’t know how to process that.

But I know MTM needs me. To be strong. And patient. And present. In the coming days, I just want to be my best for him.

The rest is noise.

I’m over it.

76 Comments Post a comment
  1. First off, thoughts for a speedy recovery for MTM. Secondly, not all of us (raising hand) are good nurses. It’s good to know where your strengths lie and when you need to call in the calvary. Lastly, sorry about the job, but don’t feel bad about going after what you wanted with gusto. That’s what makes you YOU, Andra. Hope that the next few days find you reconnecting with each other, with your health, and with food. Best wishes.

    November 24, 2014
    • Thank you, Dina. My mom loves to joke about how many times I’ve been cast as a nurse, because it’s the one proof I can act. Ha.

      At least I got the great gig in MA for a night, right? People up there love me, and I love being there.

      November 24, 2014
  2. Best wishes and healing for your MTM.

    November 24, 2014
  3. Prayers for speedy healing for MTM. Prayers for his surgeon and medical providers. Prayers for his private nurse. Not all of us are good caregivers, even if we love our patient.

    November 24, 2014
    • Thanks, Pamela. I know you have much experience with caregiving. I feel guilty for even mentioning it, but I just feel so freaking overwhelmed right now. It’ll get better. I know.

      November 24, 2014
  4. Sending prayers and good wishes for successful surgery and MTM’s rapid healing. As for you Andra, I wish you would never ever say the word “fail” about yourself. Be “over” that!

    November 24, 2014
    • I’m just very disappointed. Yes, I know Life has a way of revealing why I ultimately shouldn’t be, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am very disappointed right now.

      November 24, 2014
      • Well then Andra, I’ll just send you my hugs.

        November 24, 2014
  5. Hope the surgery went well, Andra. Sure it did. The mending is the hardest part, and one in which you will have to be present. Sorry things, job, did not work out as planned. Sometimes, it seems everything converges in a rash of negativity. Carry on, dear friend. Thoughts and prayers still floating down to you and MTM.

    November 24, 2014
    • Surgery is this afternoon, Penny. I’ll try to let everyone know how it goes. Thanks for the prayers.

      November 24, 2014
  6. I hope MTM is on the road to recovery and heals quickly.

    November 24, 2014
  7. best to both of you, as mtm finds his way through recovery and you find your way to a comfortable balance in your life. what a wonderful self-reflection this was.

    November 24, 2014
    • Finding balance always means deciding what’s really important. And sometimes the message that I’m not valued is the easiest way to figure out that balance. Thanks for your well wishes, Beth.

      November 24, 2014
  8. Sending you hugs right now. praying that MTM has the best outcome possible today. xoxo

    November 24, 2014
    • Thanks, Shannon. I’m sure he’ll be back in High Point, back on the bike in no time. Ha.

      November 24, 2014
  9. Kir Piccini #

    Just thinking of both of you. Patience is a tricky trait and I don’t believe you failed at all. All of us have moments where we wish we could have done it differntly. However, I know MTM is in good hands v cause those hands are yours.

    I’m sorry it’s been so hard and I wish I could make it better. Feel better MTM. Hugs to you Andra. Xo

    November 24, 2014
    • In the grand scheme of things, this is an inconvenience. Nothing more. MTM could’ve broken his neck or been more seriously injured. I’m glad he wasn’t. His prognosis is for complete recovery. We’re really very lucky.

      November 24, 2014
      • Kir Piccini #

        Now that sounds like the incredible Andra I know.
        Still sending the hugs because who doesn’t need those? 😉

        November 24, 2014
  10. I’ll be thinking about you both all day, sending positive thoughts for a successful surgery and swift recovery and a nursing prowess you didn’t know you had.

    And I’m glad you’re “over it,” Andra. It does no good for either of you to dwell on what you did or didn’t do these last few days. If you hadn’t gone, you’d be focused on that, berating yourself for not taking the opportunity. At least you can say you tried. Don’t say you failed. That word should not be in your vocabulary. Emphasize that you tried and it simply didn’t work out. Now you can focus on MTM. His recovery can be your excuse to just push back the world.

    November 24, 2014
    • I guess that’s one way to interpret I’m “over it.” There are other ways, but I’m not going to get into them in a public forum. But pushing back parts of my world for MTM will definitely be a pleasure.

      November 24, 2014
  11. I really need to learn that lesson. I am paying very close attention to it while reading your book, “Not Without My Father.” Lots of stuff to learn in there, and lots in life to just get over.

    November 24, 2014
    • I really hope you’ll go to that train thing Jill sent you.

      November 24, 2014
      • I want to, just a matter of finding the right time.

        November 24, 2014
  12. Hoping all goes well today for MTM, great seeing you in Asheville and opportunities lost are just momentary delays to future opportunities.

    November 24, 2014
    • Nicely put, Lou. Andra, remember the old adage that God never closes a door without opening a window. Wait for the cool breeze. Thinking about you both today as MTM has his surgery. Happy Thanksgiving. xxoo

      November 24, 2014
    • Lou, I know that seems like the right thing to say, but it isn’t. It really isn’t.

      Jill, it was great seeing you in Asheville. You have the rare gift of making MTM laugh out loud.

      November 24, 2014
  13. Nancy Glenn #

    Will be thinking of you both today, Andra! Looks like Thanksgiving will be a little low key for you this year, but don’t worry…Christmas is coming!!! Be well and be happy.

    November 24, 2014
    • I just hope MTM’s meds go with tequila, Nancy. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, too.

      November 24, 2014
  14. I’ll send prayers for successful surgery and patience. As someone who spent 3 weeks in October lending a hand to my mother who had a total knee replacement, and Saturday night sitting on the floor holding an ice bag in her husband’s head after he fainted and face planted on a friend’s living room floor, I know exactly how you feel. What I learned during the process: focus on the important thing (helping your love) and leave the rest until later. I’ve yet to launch our new enterprise WP Intelligence, because of the backlog of work which piled up while I was helping my mom…but every day I’m making progress and my mom is too.

    November 24, 2014
    • I’m glad your mom is through the worst of it, Cheryl. She was lucky to have you with her for that time (as was your grandson.) I hope Bill doesn’t have a headache today.

      November 24, 2014
      • Bill aches from the top of his head to his soles. He banged up his forehead, ribs, knees…and he is feeling pretty bad. But on the bright side, he didn’t bruise his face…thanks to a well applied ice pack

        November 24, 2014
  15. Debbie #

    Wishing positive thoughts for MTM’s surgery and speedy recovery! I hope you still get to go on your annual Thanksgiving adventure,

    November 24, 2014
  16. It’ll be OK, Andra. The happenings of the weekend were symptoms of your worries about and concern for MTM. You both understand the pressure on each other at this testing time. Hopefully, once the stress of the surgery is out of the way you’ll both be able to feel a little easier in your minds about it all. I hope and pray the surgery goes well and I send good wishes for MTM’s recovery, and I’m sure you’ll be his favourite nurse just by being there. 🙂

    November 24, 2014
    • The surgery bit does freak me out, Heather. He’s calmer than I am. 🙂 Thanks for the well wishes.

      November 24, 2014
      • That’s perfectly understandable. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t worry about operations when faced with them or with a relative undergoing surgery.
        I’m glad to have read earlier that MTM came through it alright.

        November 25, 2014
  17. Best wishes for a speedy recovery: you will both heal with time and togetherness x

    November 24, 2014
    • Togetherness with MTM does make everything better, Fiona. I hope you enjoyed London.

      November 24, 2014
  18. Thoughts with you both today.

    November 24, 2014
  19. You succeeded in being a human.

    Sometimes that’s all we have.

    Sometimes that’s all we need.

    November 24, 2014
  20. virginiahildreth #

    I keep this on my wall… don’t know who wrote it, but I appreciate the fact that they did.

    You are enough.
    You are so enough.
    It is unbelievable
    how enough you are.

    November 24, 2014
    • There just isn’t enough of me to go around right now, but it’ll get better. Thanks, Virginia.

      November 24, 2014
  21. The anticipation and waiting truly are the hardest parts.
    I have read your book. You learned how to survive and grow on your last marathon.
    It will serve you well on this one.
    A moment of silent reflection at 2:30 for MTM.
    As my wife would put it, I am holding you both in the light.

    November 24, 2014
    • Yeah, I’ll be relieved when this surgery is over, and I know MTM will be, too. Thanks for the light, Robert.

      November 24, 2014
  22. Hoping MTM heals quickly. It’s in those hard spots and tough choices where we are truly challenged that we also have the opportunity to learn and grow. None of us can do everything well.

    November 24, 2014
  23. Remember that according to Nia Vardalos from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, — ‘The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases.’ Which in this case means that you have the power to heal MTM and nurse his collar bone back to health! Sending good wishes for a successful surgery. xoxo

    Be kind to yourself as well, please.

    November 24, 2014
    • I’m so glad they’re making a sequel to that movie. 🙂 🙂 🙂 Thanks for typing this comment, Maria.

      November 24, 2014
  24. Thinking positive thoughts and sending prayers. Am sure all will be well for both of you; and equally sure that when this is behind you, you will find things about which to smile, maybe even laugh. Hugs.

    November 24, 2014
    • I already smile that he didn’t break his neck.

      November 24, 2014
      • There are blessings to be found in everything, and you are right, it might have been so very much worse. 🙂

        November 24, 2014
  25. Sending positivity and healing your way!

    November 24, 2014
  26. tarakianwarrior #

    Hang in there, both of you! If you get the opportunity…allow someone to help you out. You are too hard on yourself and unfortunately we/you cannot do it all. If someone offers you may be doing everyone a favor by allowing them to help you out. May MTM’s doctor have a steady hand…and his nurse an even steadier one.

    November 24, 2014
    • My mom has offered, but I can handle it. I do better than I think I do. (I hope.)

      November 24, 2014
  27. Christ. Hang in there. Why the fuck don’t they schedule surgeries like this to start early? Or else, why don’t they pick a more reasonable hour than midnight for the NPO to start? Seriously. I had surgery at 7 AM. It was NPO after midnight the previous night. It was originally scheduled for eleven AM. It would have been NPO after midnight the previous night. He should have been NPO after 6:30 AM or so, which would have at least allowed him FREAKING BREAKFAST.

    Hope everything goes as well as possible and that the poor man can at least wipe his own ass at the end of the day.

    November 24, 2014
    • It’s a long story. They wanted to do it Friday, but they didn’t decide that until Wednesday afternoon. We would’ve had to pay for the whole Asheville weekend by that point, and they didn’t want us to lose that money on top of the money this is costing. They couldn’t do it any earlier on Monday. They also wanted to do it Tuesday morning, but that didn’t work with everything else, either. They’ve really been very accommodating to our various commitments at the surgery center. I’m not mad they couldn’t get us in the morning.

      November 24, 2014
  28. First, I’ve told the universe that MTM’s surgery will go well, and it had better listen… or else.

    Second, ignore the noise.

    November 24, 2014
    • I hope you don’t have a headache today, Bill. Geez.

      November 24, 2014
  29. I’ll be thinking of both of you this afternoon, Andra. 2 1/2 hours is a long time to wait but we will all be there with you lending virtual support and sending healing wishes to MTM. The cycle of racing around yet doing nothing well is my nemesis as well but reading between the lines above it sounds like you’re clearing a path through the noise and and toward the big things in your life. All the best, Lisa.

    November 24, 2014
    • Thanks, Lisa. Here’s to continuing toward what matters, for both of us.

      November 24, 2014
  30. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you are way too hard on yourself. Perhaps you didn’t get the position you wanted because something better is around the bend, or maybe it’s a message from the universe to sit in the rocking chair in front of the fire with MTM. Sending good thoughts toward you both as MTM approaches surgery. Remember to breathe.

    November 24, 2014
    • I’m sure I can choose to see it one of those ways, Lisa. Eventually, I’m confident I will. I’ve been deliberately oblique in this post, because it’s never good to publicly say, “I was the best, most qualified candidate for the position. It isn’t fair that it went to somebody else because I am deemed to be indispensible in the position I have.” That sounds strident and whiney and unprofessional. Once I process the emotional aspects of this extreme disappointment, I’ll decide what course will be best for me. In the meantime, I have a husband who needs me.

      November 24, 2014
  31. Best wishes to you both.! Speedy recovery.! And may your Thanksgiving be amazing.!

    November 24, 2014
  32. sperling46 #

    Andra, Wish him good luck and our thoughts will be with him. Such things are a pain but necessary unfortunately.

    Tess had appendicitis not long ago. She had a light breakfast not realizing what the day would bring, and, initially, was more upset with not eating all day than the procedure. Anyway, the day following surgery she had Vasant bring her a huge sandwich. Take care and let us know how he’s doing. Rose

    November 24, 2014
  33. Prayers delivered by magic faeries — very powerful little things, you know.

    November 24, 2014
  34. You are being silly, or needy, don’t beat yourself up. I’m sure MTM is glad he was along for the ride and appreciates you more than ever.

    He is out of surgery by now and I’m sure it went well… please give him my regards and hopes for a quick recovery.

    I would suggest you go to a certain store and buy a nurse’s outfit… I’m sure that will help him get well. (I do not mean a medical supply)

    November 24, 2014
  35. I’m the worst person to give advice on striking a balance these days. Instead I’ll just send positive vibes your way. xoxo

    November 24, 2014
  36. You know you’re in my thoughts. I’m praying for a speedy recovery.

    November 25, 2014

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